Rain Rain go Away

A massive storm a couple of days ago fried my pc modem. Now im stuck havin to connect with a lousy laptop one. Sigh.

Anyways, there was a massive storm on monday, the kind where visibility is so low you cant drive, the sky is all red, loads of wind, thunder and lightning. I was on the com when the power got cut off. So being me (so smart) i turned it back on again. Well..guess it wasnt that great an idea cos about fifteen mins later the fuse tripped again (is this why the modem fried??) so i gave up and spent a sleepless half hour in my bed till i decided it was safe enough to venture out and flip the switch back on. I got out of bed, walked to my door, opened it and stepped out ..

Right into a puddle of water.

Yup. My house flooded. Rather nasty shock at one in the morning considering its never flooded before. Heck it just got renovated. My first thought was that the toilet somehow overflowed which wasnt too comforting especially since there was no power so i had no idea what i was stepping in (imagine HUMAN WASTE. Oh yuck). Anyway i opened my mouth and made enough noise to wake my folks up, plucked up enough courage to walk to the fuse box in all that water and flip the switch back on ( rather stupid realy, i could have been electrocuted come to think of it ) and found myself staring at enough water for fish to swim in. Okay okay, enough water for peacock fish to swim in.

My mom: the water came in through the windows, who didnt close the wondows, see now all the water came in through the windows, aiya aiya why didnt anyone close the windows..
My dad: Its coming from underground, maybe theres too much water in the soil and theres a crack in the tiles *poke poke around looking for a misterious hidden spring* stop making so much noise it cant be coming from the window water can come from underground ..

I walked around the house and found out the water was coming from the roof. Haih. I spent that night moving all my waterlogged stuff to a higher level.

Today, i have yet again been reminded how uneligible my writing is. As industrial trainees, we each have to submit a report and keep a logbook.. so naturally we swapped notes. And at least once for every page, someone comes up to me and asks me what i wrote. And sometimes i cant read it either. Guess all that writing in primary school didnt help much. :)

With my pc down, i cant upload any pics. All i can say is that safety helmets and me just dont go. I feel like a maggot.

SEPET are my eyes

Finally.. after so, so long.. i watched Sepet. And i have to say, its a must-see. About a thousand times better than Be Cool. So if you have to watch a movie and you havent caught it yet, go for Sepet.

Guess what .. i have a dental appointment tomorrow. Yay!
Now usually i absolutely despise visits to the dentist. Lying down on that freaky chair, with the freaky pain inducing instruments and bright light and your mouth streched wide open with some lady, no matter how nice, poking into it is NOT my idea of fun. Doesnt even come close. Its somewhere right down at the bottom, alongside the things i hate to do eg going for medical check-ups. But as its tomorrow afternoon and the dental isnt open on weekends and the appointment was scheduled a year ago, i get the afternoon off!! Yay!!

Only wish i could get the whole day but lets not be greedy.. i get an afternoon off!! Thank god for small pleasures.

I was having ice cream and talking to a friend of mine, Kok Yun (we think he has a girlfriend but he's yet to admit it in public), when he said the most surprising thing to me:

"If you were my girlfriend, you'd be so easy to get along with."

That alone, was enough to blow my mind away. Anyway, being the kaypo i am, i had to ask why. To which he replied

"You're so easy to please/make happy."

And i just had to laugh. Anyone who knows me and my relationship knows im far, far from being an easy girlfriend. Heck, Jon would be the first person to run out with a megaphone to announce it. And yes, i know i have a habit of being dificult. Blame in on hormonal imbalance. Just goes to show that the grass always looks greener on the other side.. But then again, Kok Yun probably thinks that all he needs to keep me happy would be a large tub of ice cream .. THINK AGAIN. Not everything can be fixed with a bribe.

But then again, a good pint of Baskin Robbins does have the ability to put a big, fat, happy smile on my face and a sugar high to last me all day :)

Third day of work

As im writing this im sitting in Chai's house with all the girls. About to eat spaghetti and junk food and watch tv :)

Anyway, today would be my third day or work/industrial training at IJM and its gotten pretty fun. Well, today at least. For those less informed, as a scholarship student i have to complete ten weeks of training every year. And this year, they took pity on me and let me do my training at the Bayswater Resort Condominium. Thats right next to Tesco. And its still in consrtuction. So here you have a first year Mech student who knows absolutely nothing on a construction site. And i have my own little safety helmet and safety boots. So every now and then i get to go on site and into buildings and explore. And if im not doing that i get to sit in the office and do absolutely nothing. Actually im supposed to look at construction drawings and read up on all sorts of systems but it doesnt really matter. Only downside about havin no proper work to do?? Bloody boring. Oh well... for 500 bucks a month what can you expect. Im basically gettin allowance for doing nothing but observing and asking questions. And after 3 days i know more amount the practical side of civil engineering than about my own field. But going on site is fun. For the moment. Added bonus is that there a couple more trainees with me :), we trainees follow the big people out to eat so i never have to drive.

I hear spaghetti calling my name .. pics coming soon..till then, im gonna stuff myself silly.

Rainbows and Sunbeams do not exist

Just when you think the whole world is okay and everythings going smoothly and you wake up every morning, if not all bright and chirpy at least not dreading to get out of bed, it comes crashing down around you. Leaving you standing there in the rain like an idiot with your ass hanging out of your pants, wondering what the hell just happened and how. Leaving you feeling like the shoo-in for the greatest idiot award cos you've just been telling the dude next to you how great the world and everything in it is. For the past few weeks. Just seconds before it fell out from right under your feet. In three seconds what you used to know, you arent sure of anymore. You dont know if it still safe in your old safe place, if the ground is still safe to walk on, you dont know who to talk to, who to trust. Not anymore. You cant tell which is the real thing and which is a mere illusion.

Maybe if you werent so convinced that everything was okay the fall to the ground wouldnt hurt so much, wouldnt be that much of a shock, wouldnt make you feel so darn stupid. Maybe if you were already prepared for the worst to happen it wouldnt be that bad when it did. Maybe a dull constant pain is better than a sudden drop from a sky high to a low. If you never let yourself fly you would never have to feel the fall. You would never have to feel the pain. You would be safe.

I want to go to bed and not wake up. Preferably for a long, long time.

On Life's Lessons

Some stuff i picked up while reading (yes, i do it as a past time). . Something I think its worth givin more than a second glance .. something to think about ..

"Accept what you are able to do and what you are not able to do."

"Accept the past as the past, without denying or discarding it."

"Learn to forgive yourself and forgive others."

"Don't assume its too late."

On death: "There are mornings when I cry and cry and i mourn for myself. Some mornings, im so angry and bitter. But it doesnt last long. Then i get up and say, 'I want to live.'"

On dying: "Dying is only one thing to be unhappy over. Living unhappily is something else."

"When you learn to die, you learn to live."

"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldnt. You take certain things for granted even thought you know you should never take anything for granted."

"Love wins. Love always wins."

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half asleep, even when they're busy doing something they think is important. This is because they're choosing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

"Love is the only rational act."

"Why are we embarrassed by silence? What comfort do we find in noise?"

"Dont let go too soon. But dont hang on too long."

"Be compassionate. And take responsibility for each other. Love each other or die."

"There is no formula to relationships. They have to be negotiated in loving ways, with room for both parties, what they want and what they need, what they can do and what their life is like."

"Love is when you are as concerned about someone else's situation as you are about your own."

"If you're always battling against getting older, against change, you're always going to be unhappy, because its going to happen anyhow."

"Fate succumbs many a species: one alone jeopardises itself."

"Money is not a substitute for tenderness, power is not a substitute for tenderness."

"If you're trying to show off for people at the top, forget it; They will forget you anyhow. If you're trying to show off to people at the bottom, forget it; they will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone."

I guess thats enough thought for one night. Think about it. I did.

NUMB

I think I think too much. Oh god I wish I were clueless. I wish i didnt read so much into tiny little things, from the way he answers the phone, from messages, even to the way things are typed onto msn ( yes, you can tell if someone is typing then speculate on that ). Hate wondering whether or not i get a call, whether or not i'll be doing anything. Hate havin to give myself reasons. I hate non visual converations.

Ever know what its like to feel nothing? Completley numb. Like you've been submerged too long in a block of ice. Like you have no soul, just a shell walking aimlessly. Like you just dont feel. Things arent like colours on a sharp SXVGA LCD screen. Its like an endless mess of greys and greens and browns, blurred together on one canvas. Numb is when you havent slept in a while but you aint tired. When you havent eaten but you just dont feel hungry. Where you wonder if throwing yourself in front of a bus could hurt. And whether you could die, or end up in hospital with attentive people by your side. When you dont give a shit if anyone comes for your funeral, when you dont give a shit if you live or die, when youre not on a 64 tone polyphonic, but on a somethin worse than a standard monotone - the 'ring ring' tone.

I guess being numb is when you just dont care anymore.

A thought and a Holiday

Today’s conversation made me think:

Is it wrong to want something better? To be the best you can be, to want to try harder?
Is it wrong to push yourself to the limit, to go all the way? Is it wrong to try?

I've always thought to myself, if someone else can do it, I can to. Within reasonable limitations, that is..I know I will never be a super model/movie star/genius. So I push myself, I don’t want to be left out. I don’t want to at the end of the day, feel like shit cos I didn’t try. I don’t want to think that I might have, that I could have, if only I tried. I hate what-iffing.

So I push, sometimes to the point where I buckle under the stress, and I break down.I don’t want to fail. And I guess by fail, I don’t mean pass-fail kind of fail. I don’t want to disappoint myself. I don’t want to not be able to live up to expectations. Maybe I try to hard, maybe I expect to much.

Maybe that’s wrong??

Hmm...
I think something went wrong somewhere along the line...
Or I could settle for the fact that I’m just weird.

Oh yea .. the girls and I went up to Mount Pleasure for the weekend, to let loose and have some fun J .. and we did have fun. From mahjong sessions to pool dunking, hair curling-straightening to ice cream parties, drinking and junk food sessions, it was all a blast. Even when a hand phone accidentally went swimming with us. It’s a cozy feeling, nine girls squished onto one bed, fighting over the comforter and talking till the sun comes up and its not night time anymore. From fifth form till now, we’ve been coming up at least once a year. And sitting there pigging out on ice cream, junk, cereal, whatever was edible in the house, it’s nice to know boyfriends or not, working or jobless, local uni student or not, we all have mount pleasure and ice cream if we make the effort.

Though I didn’t take many pics (it completely slipped my mind the night before), check out the pics, nevertheless..

Yu Ming and Leech
Lazing in the pool
water babes :)
See Mun
A happy Chai floating
Leech and Me
Another poolside pic .. arent we a happy lot
The Babidadari : Me, Chai and Terri

And for a group of girls who basically had no sleep the night before and managed to eat an alarming amount of food between us (think about 100 bucks worth of food in a day – a dozen eggs, ten packets of instant noodles, 2 cartons of milk, eight tubs of yoghurt, cereal, a lot of junkfood, bread, ice cream, rice, chicken .. – yes, we are scary), I think we look pretty darn content J

Girlie Chit Chat

I was over at my girl friends Vilas house today, havin a little catch up session after not havin seen her for months. Anyway, going through our own little dilemmas and stories, i have come to a conclusion :

I am not alone.

Girls, in general want/need ( i have yet to figure that out ) to be treated like princesses. We thrive on attention and secretly want someone to worship the ground we walk on and have someones world revolve around us and solely us. Who doesnt want to feel like the most important thing on earth?? Selfish and troublesome, i know.. but still.. a girl can dream, cant she?? Remember the fairy tales we all learnt aeons ago??The ones where some prince charming sweeps the the princess off her feet and rescues her from some evil dragon?? Swan princess?? Cinderalla? Yea well..Most girls secretly want to be the princess. Similarly, teensy part in most guys want to be the macho prince .. Its just that its hidden somewhere next to the part that nurses the secret need to be babied.

On another note, i happened to catch Thirsty Traveller on the travel channel. And i think i've found my calling. For those of you who dont/cant watch the travel channel, Thirsty Traveller is basically about this guy that travels the world getting to sample all types of booze and find out its history, how its made, the festivals etc. ( today i found our sambuca originates from Rome and why they put in three coffee beans ) And he gets paid for it. Best job ive come across so far. The girl who travels the world compliling best hotel/beach/restaurant list sounds pretty great as well.

I should have taken journalism and beauty classes instead of engineering.

Something to Think About?

Had a friend send this to me recently .. I thought it was post worthy so here it is. Not often do you get a guy who sends/thinks stuff like this ..
Thanks Kar Loon! :)

" 'Love her not only in your heart but also in your mind. If you base your relationship just on feelings, it will fail for there are ups & downs in feelings. Girls are there to be loved, not toyed around.'

'Love her for who she is. Don't even think about changing any bit about her. 6 billion people in this world & 6 billion different personalities. She's special & she should stay that way. You change any part of her, you'll change her forever.'

'If you love her, don't substitute her with some else, for they are all unique in their own ways and sooner or later you'll find something you want to change in the other person. Its not always her, it could be you.'

'Love her whole-heartedly. She willingly sacrificed for you so treasure it. Of the 6 billion people in the world she chose you. So love her, dont play her.'

'Don't ever let the girl to beg you to stay or whatsoever. If you're with her, love her. Don't cause strain in the relationship, or you'll end up loving each other out of pity or charity, that's not respecting love at all. Respect love the way it is & everything will be the best it can be.'

'Don't expect perfection. We're all human. There's only one of her in the world & she's done the best she could. Just because it wasnt what you expected doesnt mean she didnt try.'

'Like another girl while you're in a relationship? Then I think it's time you remain single for a while. Don't go around breaking hearts, it's the most tragic & selfish thing to do.

Tell the truth, never hide. If you expect honesty, be honest. Love isnt a game. And if you cant be honest, its time to rethink.'

'Don't go calling other girls "honey", "babe" or "darling". How would it feel if your girl calls other guys the same way? Be thoughtful for her feelings.'

'Flirting is for singles. People socialise & flirt around to get The ONE. Get over it when she's already yours, don't ask for more. Be faithful, enough is enough.'

'It never kills to be romantic. Think, be flexible. Getting that diamond ring isn't the only gift for her. Be realistic, she's human & she lives life just like you. Something sweet & simple always gets the job done. Money doesn't exist between couples, it's the love.'

'Never promise her that you'll love her forever because your forever might end the next day. Love her as long as you both shall live. Love her as if each day is the last.

Sweet talk only applies for singles, not for attached guys. Do that & you'll really break her heart. Isn't good being too well-known too, it'll give her a sense of insecurity. Remember, INSECURITY.'

'Make promises to her & make sure you never break it. Swear to her & make sure you keep it. Pledge your love to her & her alone.

Loving her is giving her your heart to break but trusting her not to. Instead, she'll cherish it & protect it. That's love. Give her your heart, your life, your everything. Lay down your life & prepare to die for her when the need arises. But stay strong & live through another day, she can never live without you.'

'Never, ever walk out of her life. She won't just cry her heart out & carry on living as usual. Broken hearts make broken people. Once you break her heart, she'll never be the same again. And once you lose something, you'll never get it back.'

'Winning a girl's heart isn't the final victory. Don't leave her once you've won her love. Love her all the way till the end of time, love her till marriage, love her till old age, love her till death. If you can love her till the end of time, you've earned the honor & respect for you've truly loved her.'

'She chose you because she believes that you can fulfil your promise. Win her heart & love her over. Remember, the girl isn't a trophy for display, she's someone to love, not to show off to your "friends". Stay humble yet proud that she's the one for you.'"

Being female and having had my own share of "bad times", im obviously for this little posting above me( which girl hasnt had these kind of thoughts before?? ) .. and i find it even more interesting that a guy thought this up. Kinda makes you think, doesnt it?

3 months of Absolute BLISS

Hello World.. Im BACK!

Yup .. hols again. Three months away from PB, away from campus, away from books. Three months of eating, living and sleeping Penang Island. So happy so happy :)

Actually only a couple of weeks more before i start work. Damn. Currently sitting with Terri and Justin while doing this..Just one of the many people i have vowed i will meet up with this hols .. and its so much easier doing things when you have broadband. :)

Anyways, i am currently done with Engineering Math and Statistics, i have packed up my Fluid Mechanic books, My Materials, Statics and Design stuff is packed up out of the way and i am currently very, very ready to have some fun. The girls will be back soon and its back up to Mt Pleasure (doesnt that name just make you think of odd things??) for a weekend and some much needed chilling .. So seeya people around .. and remember im always free for a day out, a breakfast, a dinner .. ANYTHING .. so, CALL ME! :)

In loving memory of Teoh Wei Loon

Yesterday i went to a funeral. My classmates funeral. He wasnt even 21 yet, just about to finish his first year in uni.

Im not going to exaggerate say how close we were and stuff like that cos we werent. We were friends, classmates. Not close friends. I cant even begin to imagine how his closest friends, family, girlfriend must be feeling. I cant imagine myself in the same place. I dont want to ever be in the same place. But it makes you realise, just how fragile life is. Just how suddenly things can happen. Where you spend your life reading stuff like this, watching stuff like this and you live in your secure little coccoon thinking it will never happen to me.

It still seems unreal. At the funeral, it struck me odd cos there seemed to be too many youngsters, teenagers. People in my generation who have at most have only gone to a grandparents, greatgrandparents funeral, or maybe not at all. At this age, death is something you think is still far, far away.

He will be dearly missed by all who knew him.

Stress Stress

i have come to a conclusion: i must be very stressed.

Its been over a week and ive regularly been gettin wiered dreams. Every night, without fail. Doesnt matter if i sleep at one or i sleep at three, i still get wiered dreams.
And damn are they wiered.

So there you have it : i am stressed. So if i happen to yell at you cos you annoyed me, so sorry. I have been off coffee for a grand total of two days and its making me feel stupid and sleepy.

Lightbulb

Some things took me six months to realise..

Others took me a little more than eighteen months.


There are things that took me close to twenty four months to see.....




And then there are things that i will probably never fully realise/grasp/understand.


Slow learner eh?
Or maybe im just stupid.

Karma.

And the winner is... the Radical One

haha!! Winning design!! Yup .. you know the design in the last post???? Guess what?? We won!!! First place!!!!! Unfortunately cant upload the pic of the three of us at the moment.. sorry ya.. But we Won!! The slack group, the group that was labeled lazy and pariah engineers (all cos we werent paying attention during some presentation), the group that cant speak chinese and do everything last minute..

IN YOUR FACE Baha!

Happy happy...

Almost done now.. just gotta hang on a little bit longer..

Finally Finished!!! The Radical Crutch!!

You know you've been up too long staring at a com screen when

1. Your vision gets blurry. And when you rub your eyes it gets worse.
2. When you finally look away from the screen you can still see it. And little blinky lights. And blinky lines.
3. You dont have eyebags anymore, you have goldfish eyes.
4. You hear the morning prayers call before you've gone to sleep
5. You feel that your slowly turning blind and stupid.

This week has been a killer. Ever since ive been back from CNY hols, its been juggling time between our design project work and tests. And finally, today, the memorable 24th of February 2005, we hand up our completed project. No more sleeping, eating and living design. No more sleeping at odd hours for nights on end. Im free!!!!!!

Just for this evening, that is.

I'm so proud of what we did that I have pics of it. I know you're probably not interested but humour me :) I wanted to post up the animation but i thought that would be going overboard. Check out ------> the Radical Crutch

Our work in process. Finally finished and handed up today! For the first time in ages i have time to myself. I came back this afternoon and i didnt know what to do. So i slept..

The Solid Model of our Project. Cant actually see the whole thing but looks good?? RIght???? Damn good job if i must say so myself considering that we only assembled and animated everything last night. We were up in the cafeteria till three to do this, getting eaten alve by mozzies before we respectively pulled all nighters in our room to finish it up. Bangganya!!

With that and my shitty Lab test and C++ finished (in both ways) i have finally cleared my room and dumped all that stuff under my bed so i can actually see my table top once more.

Something important to do tomorrow. Cross your fingers, wish me luck.

Library TRIP

Embarassment of the day : i fell.

I was in the library to renew a very overdue book. So i was walking around, making some small talk, got my book back and i left. Standard library trip right? Then i fell. Was walking out of the library with my book, went down the stairs and ... my ankle gave way on me. So i fell. Down the stairs. With my book and my bag and my umbrella. Not very gracefully. Major embarrasment. Thankfully, there are no hot hunks in PB.

You'd think after so many years i'd have at least learnt how to fall gracefully, but noo... i had to make a great scene. So i picked up my stuff and skedaddled as fast as i could. I will NOT go to the library tomorrow.

Oh wait.. ACHIEVEMENT OF THE DAY: I have yet to have a cup of coffee! Althought i've spent half the day only half awake, its still an achievement right??? See.. im not that addicted to caffein

Neways, pics as promised ..

Girls night out .. this was taken shortly before Hui Min returned to US. We'll see you in a year !

Dinner at Teluk Kumbar .. we stuffed outselves silly with seafood..

Girly get-together .. Ishuet and me

See Muns Birthday!! The first of us to turn 21 .. Happy B'day girl!!!

At Jit Shiongs Birthday.Yes i know he's not in the pic but he's too busy outside barbequeing the food for all us lazy girls inside ..

This would be me at See Muns barbeque. Im holding an umbrella to protect our lamb from the rain. Had a blast that day.. i won myself 15 bucks gambling :). Not bad for a beginner eh?

Yi Wenns 21st birthday! Another girl turning 21.

Biscuit and Cow. This is what Jesie and I did one evening when we were too bored on campus. Bored engineering students have a tendency to go slightly wacky

minor shit in lisa systems

This bring a rather shitty close to what has been a really long day. Makes it even longer cos it seems like two days have merged into one. Yes, i had a grand total of one and a half hours of sleep last night.. maybe more, maybe less.

Spent this week sleep deprived (i dont know why tests have to be crammed together), whole of last night (that would be thursday night) trying to complete my bloody lab report and dragged myself up this morning at 7.30 to make a little trip all over campus. This is my pathline :

room --> cafeteria --> computer center --> language center --> mechanical school --> cafeteria --> room --> cafeteria

All that distance to be covered in the space of half an hour. So i ran. Literally. Like a complete idiot running round campus in the wrong direction ( i was the only ass running away from the classes. Actually i was just the only ass running.), sweating, with my hair flying all over the place and my glasses steaming up. And not to mention that i had no dinner, no breakfast and no morning bath. All to catch the 8.30am morning bus to go home.

I caught the bus :)

On one and a half hours of sleep, i sit at the back of the rattly bus which could probably rival the motion master. I can deal with the rattling though big bumps jarr my backbone but that awful creak-creak-creak which corresponds to each bump-bump-bump of the bus and each bang of my elbow against the seat is enough to drive anyone insane. I look out the window, staring into vast nothingness, my mind completely blank. Strange. I am not sleepy. I am bored. Yet another journey back. Everyone on board seems to be asleep. I will not close my eyes. I will not let the opportunity for me to succumb to fatigue arise. Once i close my eyes, im done for. The fatigue will devour me with hungry jaws and i will not wake. I will not make it home. I have been awake for more that twenty four hours. Its amazing, i havent even had my morning coffee. I reach home and resist sleep another four hours before finally dropping into lala land sometime past twelve for a two hour nap. And im still awake. I cant sleep. I have too much to think about.

What is important? I've been searching for an answer and i still cant find it.

10 things i wish for

1. To actually fcuk it and forget it when i say so
2. To fly
3. To be selfish, to think about only me and not give a damn about what other people wanted
4. accept myself for what i am
5. multi lingual
6. less critical, of myself and others
7. unlimited pocket
8. to be different
9. to be normal
10. to have my own mind..

Princess of Theives??

I have come to a realisation : I can never be a theif.

Lost my (well not exactly mine but still, mine for the moment) very new motorbike helmet a couple of weeks ago. Since then, dinner out and bike rides to class have decreased drastically. okay, maybe having to walk to class isnt that bad. The bad part about losing a helmet that isnt mine?? I gotta replace it before i get found out. Yup, i have to get a brand new, silver coloured, full face visor Index helmet soon before my mom finds out ive lost it cos then i'll never hear the end of it. My mom still talks about the time i was twelve and lost some cert from a file. I bet she'll harp about the missing bike helmet till im 40.

Anyways, to get a new helmet would put me back somewhere around sixty bucks. Sixty bucks i cant afford, 'specially since im still indebted to Terri. So what did i do today? I put my PFS skills to work. I kinda stole it back. Ive been scouting around and i saw a helmet that looked exactly like mine. Im not too sure but it looked eactly like mine and i really dont want to shell out cash for a helmet so i grabbed it and dissappeared into the sunset. Figured someone will gain and someone has to lose, im determined to be neither. Fair trade right??

But im feeling the guilt. Im feeling really, really guilty. I think i'll go and put it back.

Looks like i'll never make it to big time bank robbery. But at least i know i'll go to heaven :)

Chinese New Year hols are over and im back in PB. My new year resolution?? To lose 3kg and get rid of the zits on my forehead by the end of one month. Wait, maybe thats too ambitious. One and a half months then. The months of pigging out and no exercise is starting to show. And if i cant be smart, at least i can look good.

Finals in less than two weeks. Im screwed.

Holiday?? What holiday??

Im BACK! For an entire week of holiday!!But seeing that i'll have to go to Ipoh for CNY, not entirely long enough. Oh well... quick update on what ive been up to so far :

1. Went pressie shoppin
2. Had a couple of celebrations (with a few more to come)
3. Catch a flu
4. Visit sir (finally)
5. Eat chocolate, watch a movie
6. Wax Terri's back!! I have pics but it seemed a little too graphic.. think Indonesian maid abuse victim...
7. Meet up with Jon. A brief but better then nothing peiod of time. Oh well.. Theres always next time..
8. Eat Mcdonalds Bfast with Chai and Terri. Some things dont change :)
9. Lose alot of sleep
10. Eat Mcdonalds breakfast AGAIN with See Mun, Polyn and Terri

Then heres what i have to do before i leave:

1. Go to Ipoh (unfortunately neccessary)
2. Meet up with Tze Lin (maybe we can do lunch???i'll be back thursday; call me if youre free, i have to see you before you go, its been ages)
3. BIRTHDAYS! Which also mean present shopping again..
4. Have dinner with Jon
5. Have a chit chat with Vila
6. See Ye Shan before she leaves, and collect my certs
7. Mahjong and fireworks: Ishuets place
8. Glo??Hey im invited right??? And im free right???
9. Actually, meet up with a number of people, but somehow given the current situation its just not possible..

Plenty of things to be done, not nearly enough time. And it doubly sucks that i neither have my own car nor a driver. Precious time wasted sittin on my arse doing nothing. Oh yea.. and i'm supposed to study.

ADJECTIVE - a word that describes a noun or pronoun.

For some reason i found this interesting. Maybe its knowing that i'd never be able to do something like that in this lifetime.

Was taking a pee at 2.15am when this thought crossed my mind : I kinda forgot i have a father.
Its so odd i almost found it funny.

Todays conversation with mother:

Me: Mum, i might be coming back tomorrow afternoon around 4. Can you pick me up?
Mum: Four ah?? Cannot la, i have to go for my reflexology at three and i might not be done till five. Maybe you can wait for me in my office till evening..
Me: I dont have you office key...
Mum: oh right.. i dont know, maybe you can see if someone else can pick you up. Maybe Terri has classes? See if you can catch a ride ..

In that 55 second conversation, she didnt mention my dad. I forgot all about him and the fact that he might be around.

And it took me almost 10 hours to realise that.

Wrong side of the bed..

Been having the same headache that kept me up last night most of today. I am grumpy and annoyed for no reason whatsoever.

Im not very sure whats going on but as of yesterday my new posts never seem to appear.. been trying to publish them over and over again but its still non existant. Oh well. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I wonder sure how my roomie does it. She can last on even less sleep then me, wakes up at any time in the morning no matter what time she sleeps (yes, she woke me up again) yet still manages to catch an afternoon nap no matter how hot, how bright, how noisy. Me? I just dont sleep, therefore cant ever wake up, then get grumpy.

Its a brand new me

Hey Hey! Its the start of a new year .. or chinese new year more like .. so i decided to change the look. Finally got around to gettin Hello so i can upload pics.. most unfortunately, nothing recent to put up cos my camera has been spending time in the hospital thus Sakura-chan right here. I promise though, more pics coming soon .. :)

Been counting the days till hols start.. seems like this sem past pretty fast though im not sure if that good or bad but guess it doesnt matter. Looking forward to seeing everyone again, specially before those aussie student leave again.. Yes, it still gets boring here.. Anyway, i was brushing my teeth using my colgate triple action toothpaste when i had a thought - how did they get the toothpaste to come out in 3 stripes??? Even after i mushed the tube up a bit, its still in 3 stripes... interesting eh?

I have a cut on the roof of my mouth. From the combined bad habit of crunching ice and chewing on straws. And it hurts. Everytime i try to take a bite of my pear or eat biscuits i can feel the little piece of skin flapping. YUCK.

When you have nothing else better to do, You Sleep.

Yup.. Its a Friday and im still on Campus.. Curse Saturday classes. Nevertheless though, i did get to see something new. It Friday. Which means down here at our most happening town PARIT BUNTAR we have the PASAR MALAM!! Yay! Something to do tonight..

If i really wanted to, i could have bought an ostrich egg (and its feet and it innards), all sorts of magical oils to increase my sexuality, to keep me glowing, to hide my unsightly bulges, to increase my errection(if i had one). I could have gotten wiered massages garanteed to keep muscle aches away and improve my blood circulation, or i could have bought the oil and done it myself. I could have bought sandals for RM12, Nike bags, NIKER bags, RM6 slippers, 5durians for RM5, crates of oranges, dresses, clothes, RM10 "non stick" kualis, gutted fish, dried fish, raw prawns, home made sambal, turtle jelly, all sorts of fruits, spices, locks, watches, radios, clocks, pesticides, insects repellent, rodent repellent.... Its amazing, the amount of stuff they can pack into a mere few streets.

Guess What I came back with??

Go on, take a guess ..

A murtabak ayam and 15 pears.
And at a grand total of RM6.50, i think i got myself a bargain.

Ugh. Saturday morning class..

NINE days to go till its time to GongXi GongXi!!

Princess, Princess

At times, i dont know if im a bitchy princess demanding too much of everything or whether all my needs really arent met. I dont know if my pathetic feelings are justified, or im simply wasting my time and making myself seem even more pathetic than i already can get. Its an odd world. No matter, i refuse to ponder over such thoughts, the very act of thinking about thinking already makes me squirm. The time is better spent trying to figure out EMH 112/3 Fluid Mechanics I which after half a sem i still cant do, still cant grasp any concepts and its getting worse with every class.
I am proud of one thinge though - i have not bitched about phone calls for quite some time.. im getting somewhere now..

This is a bad sem. This is a bad year. I may have gotten used to being here, but it doesnt mean i dont occasionally get homesick, it doesnt mean life here is any easier, it doenst mean i can do everything. Laugh at me if you must, but it doesnt change anything.

Above my head theres a lizard which just caught a huge bug bigger than its head.. its still holding on. The bug isnt giving in without a fight.. Interesting...

When you Feel Like SHit

Ever felt like a failure?

I have.

THIS SUCKS

Its the first day after making my so called Resolutions. And already i have failed.
I spent yesterday evening watching Naruto, i for some reason didnt hear the lecturer announcing THREE TIMES that class was cancelled although i was sitting there, i STILL have no textbook and i didnt manage to drop LAJ100 thanks to that old bitch in the office.
I suck at things like this.
Wouldve been able to drop if not for her. I went to the Pusat Bahasa to go look for my teacher who said i'll have to look for the Pengerusi Rancangan who inncidently went out for lunch early and came back late. Yes, i waited out there like a total complete ass. Neways, i saw her, she lectured me and told me to look for my Dean, which i did. But the whole office was empty (seems like everyone here comes back late from lunch) so i sat and waited till a nice lady came to tell me that HE WASNT IN. But being a nice lady and all, she told me to get the drop form, fill it in and pass it to her which she will pass to the dean so i can collect it the next morning. So everythings okay ... Teacher - check, pengerusi rancangan - check, dean - almost check. Until i go back to the office after running all the way back to the pusat bahasa and i meet THE BITCH. Who made a really loud fuss and chased me out of the office. I swear, some people were just put on the earth to make things hard for you.
Sigh>

*Miss you.*

Happy New 2005!!

Hey Hey!
Its New Years again.. the start of a Brand Spanking New Year .. the time where you can let go all the shit that happened last year and make new resolutions.. Which you dont exactly keep, but hey, at least i tried .. that counts for something right????
Actually, i dont remember if i made any resolutions last year, but oh well ..

This year, the big 2005, i have come to realise that i have grown old, and hopefully grown up.. a little bit. So i plan to be good :)
i will NOT succumb to evil pleasures, i will sleep in more often, spend less money, pamper myself a little bit more, worry a little less .. hmmm .. oh yea, and i will keep Wednesday as my designated anime day and try to keep a little bit more up to date about everything else around me.

Well, heres to hoping i'll keep it .. for a while at least :)
Happy New Year!!!

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year

My mother says im impolite
My grandmother says im unladylike
My boyfriend thinks im stubborn
My friend thinks im obsessed over my weight
My roomie says i can never wake up in the morning (really, who wants to wake up seven for 3 hours of math??)
My coursemate says i do wiered things WTF??ME???WIERED THINGS???
My unimates think less of me cos i am what you call ang moh sai - ENGLISH SHIT
MY mother says i could do better
My boyfriend says i always want to do better
My friends say i cant do anything myself
The girls stayin below me think i spend too much time watchin movies
My C++ lecturer hates me
My boyfriend says i never listen
A friend says i think too much
My dad says i treat the house like a hotel
My mom says im fat
My classmate says i worry too much
And it just keeps on comin..

So what am i anyway?

My dog loves me.

COLD

Its a freakin cold Tuesday morning... and im freezin my ass off in the com lab.. Strange, how the connection here is so, so much faster then what we have in out rooms.. Oh god, it so cold i cant think straight.

Ive been bitchin and stressing myself out over my damn design project and i finally got the second draft done yesterday. Heres a fantasy : The other so called lame ass group member comes up to me and bugs me whether the project is done, not even offering to help. I explode in front of the whole class, let out all the mental anguish ive been having, i yell at him so that everyone knows just how much of a loser he is, he sits down and shuts up like an idiot, my lecturer fails him, everyone in the class applauds and he falls through a big hole in the earth. Sounds good??

I spent this morning in my bed, debating if i should go for class.. Its RAINING and its COLD. Its a good day to sleep in. But goodness prevails... i only skipped one hour :) Another 3days to christmas. Which means another 4 days till Hui Min is back from US .. I wonder how much has changed since then. Hmmm....I cant wait for christmas to come this year :) The year has passed so fast, its almost the middle of my second sem here in Parit Buntar. This is what i was thinking last night :

1. Nasi Lemak
2. Maggi-Goreng-Ayam-Tambah-Telur-Atas?
3. Burger Ayam Special
4. Maggi-Sup-Ayam-tambah-telur-atas
5. Brownies and Ice Cream
6. Vodka Lime
7. AK 47
8. CREPES
9. Waffles and Ice Cream
10. CHICKEN
11. CHocolate Digestives
12. Ban CHien Kuih
13. Curry Mee
14. Tempura Fish
15. White Chocolate Latte
16. Spaghetti
17. Maxim Egg Tarts
18. Roti Tisu
19. Nasi Kandar Pertama
20. Segas Graveyard and fish fingers
21. Super Moist Chocolate cake

Yes, I was hungry. It rained from six to around eight last night, and it would have been the day there was no nasi lemak and the week where i didnt stock up on biscuits. Sigh. So i starved. IM HUNGRY. Time for Fluid Mechanics. Cheers!

I NEED ICE CREAM

I have come to HATE doing group work. Id rather do more work and let it be my own work, than do slighly less and have to carry people through it. I was talking to a friend over ice cream today, who was is somewhat the same predicament as me. Dont want to let the group members just pick of you, but no choice. Cos if they fail, we fail. Anyway, she brought up the fact that girls are supposed to be the weaker sex, but we end up doing all the work. Which made me think... doesnt that make us the weaker sex then?? Getting pushed around and made to do all the shit work for nothing.. Wait, not for nothing, for people to pick off, which is ten times worse.. So are we the weaker people for getting shoved around? Is it because of our conciences, our responsibilities?

Once again, i am awake... Having to once again to some last minute shit on some last minute design project. Again. I will be so glad when this is over. Takes up more time than studying actually would. Havent touched my books..heck havent even bought em yet. This is NOT a good start to the sem. I was as Ishuets house last night... This is something new i learnt : 1. Peanut butter and banana Ban Chien Kuih is not only pretty good, but also pretty filling and 2. Islams are not supposed to use condoms. (??) Can anyone verify that for me??

Fifth week of uni. I still have no textbook. Christmas is coming!!!!

Seven cups of KopiTiam coffee should be made illegal

FIve cups of coffee can do odd things to you.
It late, sort of and im dead tired and im still sitting here trying to owrk on my design project but im not noticeably any further along then when i was when i started. Im tired, and im grumpy and on top of that my back aches..
I think i overdosed on the caffeine... cant exactly think too straight anymore, which i can see by the huge amount of spelling errors i have made so far.. whoo hooo.. caffeine high.. ahaha..

i am tired. Either my body or my brain is tired, i cant figure out which one... I took the morning campus bus back today which was so packed that i consider myself luck i got a place to sit. And when all i wanted to do was gfet a liilte shut eye it had to be that a bunch of extremely loud foreign students, arabs i think? had to be sitting/standing around me... and theu kjust HAD to talk really loud. Or it seemed really loud to me.. Yes, i was annoyed. Very. Then i had to get stuck on a traffic jam on the bridge, therfore missing my chance to get a ride home from campus.. which meant i had to rely on our so wonderful public transport system called the mini bus. Aquashed in a mini bus carrying a sack and a brick is someting i could do without.

Im tired... and i not tired..actually i dont know what i am. I am going to bed, i refuse to count the amount of hours i have slept this week cos its a disturbing thought. Gotta get up early tomorrow to drop my mom off..

If youre reading this darling im sorry..

Caffeine High

You know how i last bitched about Wednesdays here?

I have come up with a reason to like Wednesdays.. at least pasrt of Wednesdays. On Wednesday mornings, my seniors have early class and my roomie has Japanese .. which means everyone gets up before me and leaves before me. When its still dark. Which means i can not only sleep in after waking up (i overslept my classes before) BUT i get the room to myself. So therefore i can go take a bath, wrap myself in a towel, walk to my room... then stand naked under the fan!!!!!! Yes, its a luxury here.. and to those who get to dry themselves in the comfort of their own rooms, you have no idea how much you can miss it. Call me weired, but i just dont like the feeling of having to put on clean clothes when you havent been properly dried by the blast of cool air coming from a fan. So i have a reason to like Wednesday mornings... Its my free morning.

Been up all night so far doing my damn design project - an auto disable syringe. I was scouring the net, looking for feasible design concepts when i came across this line:

"..the product was developed after two years of extensive research and trailing by our dedicated team.."

I read it out to my partner Hanxen (we were having an audio conversation courtesy of MSN) and for some reason it struck us both as super funny that people have spent years on their product while we have to hand in our draft by monday. And that we slackers who havent a single clue on how a retracting mechanism works will pick off their hardwork, pass it in and expect the lecturer to believe we designed it.

I think ive been awake for two long.. Or maybe its the caffeine... But up to three cups a day is quite safe... so i should be fine.. i think?? I have this really bad feeling im gonna oversleep again tomorrow.. or rather today..My body is shutting down on me. But my brain is still awake. Ever had the feeling where you're not asleep yet not awake? Where you want your hand to move but you cant move it?? Im hungry. Oh yeah.. coffee flavoured milk tastes no where near as good as the regular canned coffee.. and canned coffee tastes no where near as good as the coffee straight form the coffee shop that costs like a dollar. Nescafe three in one doesnt even come close.

Enough, enough. Oyasumi Nasai.

Fried Porridge and Brakes?

Another day has gone by. My mind in chock full of everything i'll ever need to know about anti lock braking systems (did you know they were first invented for aircrafts??). My mind today is so saturated with junk on ABS that i spent most of the time on MSN today typing break as brake. I have one more design project to go then im done!! For now, that is..

Its late, well not quite that late but considering the so generous amount of sleep ive been getting these past few days, its late enough for me to turn in and go to bed. BUT my seniors, who apparently have no morning classes on Tuesdays have decided to have a little pyjama party and watch movies tonight. As far as i can tell, its Polar Express right now.. I havent watched it yet, but i'm hearing it already. Haih..

Went out for dinner today.. with my seniors, you know the whole little 'family'? Anyways, im guessing its cos its the last sem for the finals year students.. too bad, i really like my final year senior.. she always talks to me and smiles whenever i bump into her. Siew Yong is currently wrapped up in/with (??) her boyfriend, i hope i am not as... well i cant think of a word but you get the meaning? Anyways, went all the way down to Kedah.. this little place called Serdang (hey theres another Serdang). Its about a 40 minute drive from where i am, and it kinda reminds me exactly of Langkawi.. Long, dark winding roads with trees on one side and empty fields in the other.. you can see the sillouhette of hills against the night sky and there arent any lights. Imagine.. all the way there to eat .. Fried Porridge. Ever heard of fried porridge?? Cos i never till today. Its like this brown mush, kinda resembing oats, or baby food or something even worse..but it tastes pretty good.. And we had the usual dishes .. about six or seven of em.. and the bill came to RM112 .. I dont know if thats supposed to be cheap cos i think its pretty expensive but hey, its food. And they serve the fish in a fish shaped dish! Yes, i find that amusing for some reason..

Eleven days to Christmas!!! I cant wait! And seventeen more days till this year ends and a new one comes. I look back on this year and its hard to imagine so much has happened in the space of just a year.. how much ive grown, how much ive gone through, how much ive changed.. how much things have changed. I dont know if it was a good year or an average year or a not so good year.. but i learnt plenty.. So i guess thats something, aint it? We'll see what next year brings...

Time to try to go to bed.. Im already known as the girl who is perpetually sleepy and late for class..

Why

This is the most commonly used word in my vocab : WHY

If that word was never invented, then i would never have known it therefore would never have and probably wont be getting myself into so much cow manure. I was the annoying little ked who asked why to everything. I never stopped asking why cos i wanted to know. My mom used to get so annoyed by me that she ended up saying something along the lines that I ask too much nonsense, and i should find someone else and ask. Somewhere along the way, the little kid stopped asking questions out loud. They now just parade around in my mind, hence causing massive headaches.

WHY

ogenki deska?? :)

Hello hello. .. its Wednesday and i have successfully muddled through almost another week here!! *applause applause* yup yup.. its the third week of uni and so far i have successfully managed to oversleep, oversleep and miss a class, miss a quiz, lose my tutorial room, and fall in the toilet. And i think thats enough achievements for the month. Really .. i wonder why on earth i always manage to land myself in trouble. Must be my face. ....

I'm beginning to hate wednesdays ... full day of classes, until 6.. not even any lunch break. Not to mention i'll never, ever have another ladies night. I know i promised i wouldnt go, but its always nice just to think about it. So, today i was smart and i packed myself a little sandwich to eat in class. But by six i was frozen blue (i dont know why the lab has to be so cold) and almost dead from starvation. Jon has gone back .. we dropped him off in Ipoh last Friday .. the day i became a thiefand stole a portuguese egg tart. Wait, it wasnt my fault...but the damn staff there decided to talk, so they closed one cashier and directed me to another non existant one (well we couldnt find it) which pissed us off so i walked off with my egg tart .. and felt guilty about it. Speaking of ipoh, do you know the service there is bloody slow. Let me repeat that - SUBERBLY SLOW . I never thought that McDonalds service could suck that much. Never thought for that matter McD's would serve me limp fries. The service was so bad at Kenny Rogers that we gave up waiting.. and it wasnt even busy. Ipoh Sucks! (sorry, cant help it.) Im glad i dont stay in Ipoh.

This goddess has got to go.. because this goddess is drowning in assignments and design projects ... Im not all that evil ... so oyasumi nasai .. mata ashita!!

Alone.

Lonliness hits you the hardest when everyone around you has someone.

Im pissed..

Fuck. My mom is back. All I can say is i wish for hell that she didnt. That she could have just stayed the hell away and left me alone. Ideally with a monthly cash transfer into my bank account and a car. Then i would be happy.

I went to pick her and the damn dude up from the jetty. I already made plans, its my last day here. I'll be going back tomorrow. So i made plans that of course, include me driving. I had my whole night planned out nicely in my head. but noo.. shen just had to wreck everything. She just had to decide that she wanted to drop the fucking dude back to his house and have dinner with him. I dont understand why i cant just drop both of em back at his place and he drive. After all, i went all the way there to pick him from his house to go to the jetty, why cant he just drop my mom back. Why? because my mom doenst want to. I already said i had plans, she says my plans dont matter, they can wait. Even better she odnt know when she'll be back. And she has the nerve to ask me to finish her damn course outline for her. Nevermind that im stuck here, i havent eaten, and i have plans. That not just involve me, but other people. So im not the only one sitting here on an empty belly. Nevermind that she asked me to drive the old junk which ive on more than one account almost had an accident in. Im only here for one more night, why does she have to make it so damn difficult? To hell with what anyone says. Im getting a bike.

I wish i could just leave. I wish i could have my own place, my own cash, be responsible for JUST ME. Not for the first time..

blink blink

I remember when i was in Form 5 add math lesson, Ms Ang used to say time passes so fast, you just 'blink blink' and its gone. And we all sat there in class blinking :)
In no time at all, my holidays are coming to a close. I have been to Langkawi and back, Vila has come and gone, I have met the famous Bong, Tze Lin will be back in a while, i have fought, gotten sunburnt and done a whole lot of other things. Sigh. And now its time to (ugh) go back. Im not done yet!! I still havent had enough time!! My mom is going to Langkawi tomorrow. She with the dude and all the orphanage kids and staff. All i can say is thank god she didnt end up going when i did. I can imagine it would have but a huge damper on the whole holiday mood. I dont see much of my mom, so its not like i'll miss her or anything.. and the happy bit?? I FINALLY HAVE THE CAR!! Finally..after spending these holls either driving a piece of junk (i could have died in it) or having to depend on other people to drive me around (I had to resort to bribery and lotsa puppy dog eyes) I can DRIVE MYSELF AROUND! I can go where i want, when i want.. Ahh...i feel so free now... :)

Gibberish

This is what I have learnt today :

1. My grandfather was born on the 17th of September 1914. That would make it 11 days before my birthday. He died at the age of 87.

2. The old house in Ipoh, the mega huge one is at Kampar Drive. Finally I know where it is.

3. There are an awful lot of old people in Ipoh. I mean ALOT. From old ladies that can still cycle to the market, to old ladies that walk with their maids, to old ladies that cant exactly walk, cant exactly see, cant exactly hear.

4. I have decided I do NOT want to end up at the stage where I cant hear, cant walk, cant see.

5. My grandmother who is around 85 is looking around for a nice retirement home to settle into (think nice as is Cameron Highlands). I think my grandmother has more common sense then my dad will ever have.

6. An awful lot of landslides are occurring (see, this is what happens when you mess up the eco system). I counted about six and that was just at the windy road to Ipoh. And they were really big landslides

7. I saw four ambulances passing me on the opposite side of the highway. It was a rainy afternoon..

Random Thoughts

Oh my.. I am bored stiff.
As of right now, im sitting alone in Ipoh. I have been here for say 3 hours and im bored to tears. There is nothing to do. My brother isn’t here. Just me, my mom and my dad. The drive here was bad enough (imagine they had to argue on the way down) and now they have gone for acupuncture so I cant even run down to Jaya Jusco. Oh hell…maybe later at night. Thankfully though, I had enough sense to bring my laptop down. Thus the existence of this entry.
My final results will be out in two weeks. I am worried sick. And I have decided not to tell anyone what I got. Cause either way im gonna end up feeling stupid. I think I shall go to Langkawi and drown myself in booze and chocolate.

OH MY I AM SO BORED.

~~mindless babbling and gibberish~~

I have a resolution : I am gonna stay away from my hairdresser this month. Yes, I am NOT going to cut my hair. For once. I will save the $40 and umm..go eat ice cream.

Some more mindless thoughts
Ive been on holiday for almost two weeks already. So fast, time has passed and half my holidays have gone. In that space of time I haven’t accomplished much. I have managed to eat a lot of good food, watch movies, pick fights, and completely change my point of view.Amazing, isnt it.. But coming to the subject of time passing, I have come to realise, my first sem is finally over. And im still alive. And im okay with with it.
Its interesting, how adaptable the human being is. From how much I hated being in USM, how much I wanted to leave, how I used to cry at night I’ve gotten used to the whole routine. I can sit back and think, hey its not that bad. It an okay place to be. My roomie’s a nice girl, I do have people to talk to when there’s time. Given the chance now, I wouldn’t leave. I’m settled in. More or less. Its not worth the hassle. My only gripe : no food, no car, no time…no Jon.
Everythings gonna be okay…

Of friendship.
I still do and always will cherish the good times we had back during our schooldays. But I accept that as we grow older, things change. Our priorities change. Its not just to school and back. It’s a whole lot more now. I accept that our friendships will change. It doenst make things any less, but it will never be the same.

Of growing up.
I turned twenty this year. I have left my teens behind forever. I still have a lot of growing up to do. Though I still nuture my inner child (quite frequently too) I know some day, I’ll have to grow up, I’ll have to shoulder a lot more responsibilities then I already do. But hey..i’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. I can now realise I can NOT bring home that stray dog/cat/whetever. I realise that even though there are many things I WANT, there is nothing I NEED. I realise that everything is up to me. That noone can always be with me, can always follow me, can always back me up. I have learnt that I need to let go. Some things cannot be changed.

I miss Jon…

End of ramblings…

Ramblings

This entry runs back to my need to have something to do. Heres a resolution : I will NOT babble endlessly about nonsense. I will NOT let my mind and emotions run havoc. I WILL add all entries objectively and clearly. I will be sane. I will be sane. I will be sane.... The more i see the word sane the more insane i feel.

The End

Maybe i should stop doing this. Maybe i should stop blogging and let this die a natural death. Maybe i should stop it and do it the normal way - on paper which i can just burn.

Maybe.

Todays Lesson

I learnt something new today : Its okay to want to sit at home in my jammies with a fluffy pillow and a pile of movies. It okay to NOT want to go out, its okay to want to wallow in my own little coccoon and do ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING.

Arent i a smart girl ..

Terri is pissed at me. She aint talking to me, wont even look at me (i had other people tell me this). And guess what - Im past the point of caring. Im tired of all this.

HATE

You ever had the feeling of utter self hate? The feeling where you could repeatedly shoot yourself, wondering how on earth you could have done something so damn stupid? The times when you just sit there and wonder why you let something happen, why you didnt do anything about it. The feeling where you hate what you are, what you did, what you didnt do.

I vividly remember that feeling. Back in sisxth form when i screwed up. Back in secondary school where i let myself fall into a trap. Back to primary six where i let myself be blamed for something i didnt do. Primary three where i did/said something i wished so much i didnt (i can still remember the exact place, time, everything). Seven years old, i got bit by a dog. Heck im gonna stop thinking now, or i'll go all the way till i was three and in the process turn srtak raving mad.

The thoughts dont come often though.
Maybe once in a while, where it hits me at the oddest times. And not all thoughts at on go. Mostly the relevant things. Or the more recent ones. But not always. It hits me when im driving. When im studying. When im taking a bath. When im doing absolutely nothing. It hits me hard, makes me lose focus from what im doing, makes my mind go somewhere i really dont want to go. I hate this feeling.

But for the better part, i have everything neatly put in little boxes and stored away in the darkest, most unreachable recesses of my mind so i dont have to think about it. Dont have to be haunted by it. And if i try hard enough, maybe i can forget. But i cant. It always comes back. In hindsight though, maybe it isant such a good thing to stuff everything away and not think. But i dont know what else to do (hey its not like i can change the past). Push everything away, forget and get on with life. Till the shit thoughts come back again. And i dont know what to do.

And i sit there, and think of all the things i did wrong and all the things i should have done, should have said. I imagine out more ideal ending to everything, then i sit an feel like a complete failure once again. Do i really let myself get pused around that easily? Am i just lying to myself when i think i can handle myself? What am i supposed to do? How can i keep everybody happy?
I could so easily push to the back of my head all the shit that happened barely six months ago. How much more have i managed to forget? Am i Being a total complete fool? Am i that useless? Am i that weak? Should i have said that, done that, thought that? Am i not as in control as i thought i was?

I had forgetten about the past. But it always comes back to haunt me, engulfing me in waves of shame and guilt. I forget too easilt. Truat too easily. Forgive too easily. Hurt too easily.

I wish i wasnt me.

*sigh*

I wonder..whether its worse to be pushed around and not know it, or to be pushed around and know it but deal with it, or to be a loner and therefore not get pushed around at all..

I think i sort of end up in the second category but only when it comes to *ahem* certain people. I end up just tagging along and following cos it the easiest way out. Spares me the headache of having to to the whole quarrel-apolgize thing though i must admit my tolerance level is getting low and i do a lot less of saying sorry. It saves me the hassle of trying to concoct a believable story so that the full blown wrath of an over-possesive friend will not end up directed at me, nor anyone else i know. Im not being mean or anything, but hasnt anyone of you ever done anything like that?? Better to say i'm out with my mom then to say i'm going out for a movie with someone you know but its not with you. But it is incredibly stressful. Having to juggle time, having to think about what i do, where i go, what i eat bla bla bla... And it sucks having to drag yourself out when i dont want to go. It sucks i cant even really talk to my own boy when she's around. It sucks then none of us 'attached poeople' can even talk about our other half without getting black stares. (Trust me, we've all gone through the same situation} It sucks that i sometimes cant do things by my own bloody self. And it hard, that the closer you are to her, the clingier she gets. The whole friends forever thing. The whole resistance to change.

So i sit and wonder to myself : Why do i let it happen? Heck why do we ALL let it happen? Because i know jolly well that its not just me that ends up in such tight corners. And i guess its cos, overlooking all that, she does have good qualities.(can i sense someone rolling his eyes?) She can be fun to hang out with, she has been around for me in certain situations, she cares..too much sometimes.... or is it all a figment of my imagination? Is this the give and take in each friendship or am i once again being a pushover? We all make excuses and tell each other 'she's just like that'. So do we continue to make excuses and tell ourselves she's difficult, tell ourselves its just a phase that will pass?? Do we tell ourselves it is because she has self esteem issues and do nothing about it?? Oh man.

I thought the whole point of being on holiday was to NOT think.
Come to think of it, i think i've deviated from what i started out to say...

Confused??

I was digging through the mountain of junk in my room when i came across this : 'A Handy Hint for ensuring success in finding the right job for yourself' which went something like this ...

Place yourseld in a room with only a table and two chairs. Stay there alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, think back and reflect on what you were doing

1. If you have taken the table apart in that time, put yourself in Engineering

2. If you are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign yourself to Finance

3. If you are screaming and waving your arms, send yourself to Manufacturing

4. If you are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for yourself.

5. If you are feeling sleepy, you are Management material

6. If you don't even look up when someone enters the roon, assign yourself to Security

7. If you try to tell yourself its not as bad as it looks, send yourself to Marketing

8. And if you've left early, put yourself in Sales

Im not too sure where i fit in... There doesnt seem to be a space for special people like me.. I'm doomed...

Till Death do Us Part

Here's a question : What is the point of marriage?
With so many couples cohabiting nowadays, really..why do people get married? I took this question out and asked a couple of guys... Its odd how men think.This is what i ended up with:

1)To have kids. (hello? Are your wives supposed to be baby making machines or something?)

2)To legalize sex - most people came up with this one (With the amount of couples having premarital sex i dont think its really that big an issue...but hey..if you like it legal..why not huh?)

3)I dont know.. (I guess i'll have to ask again in 4 years time)

5)So we're tied together and my wife cant run off (makes slightly more sense but it would sound better as 'to profess our love for each other' but oh well...chinese men...)

5)Because im supposed to (i feel a little sad for your wife .. )

6)So someone can take care of the house and clothes and food....someone to 'uruskan perkara rumahtangga' (now i feel really sad for your wife)

6)The sweetest one of all .. and the one that made the most sense : "I would marry her because i love her and i want to take care of her forever" (awww....girls, go look for Benny..

Musings...

Ive been blogging for quite some time now.. from my previous blog on tripod which i still update every now and then and this one.. still i have yet to let many people know exactly where on the WWW my little blogs are hiding. They know it exists.... but they dont know where. And its kinda stupid, come to think about it.. why have a blog and hide it all to yourself?

Which comes to why i sat down and thought about it. Then the little lightbulb came on and i think i have found the answer...

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of being judged. Im afraid of what people may think if they see what a mess i'm in. Im afraid people will think less of me, or judge me, my thoughts and my every move based on my ramblings in here. Im afraid what i say might cause conflict and make things even worse for me. So yea... basically im just a big pile of chickenshit.
I dont want to walk around paranoid, thinking that people are saying things behind my back (i do that already, thank you very much). I dont want to show anything less than perfection to anyone else. And if you read my thought... its pretty obvious i'm far from perfect.I HAVE TO BE PERFECT.I HAVE ISSUES. Which brings me to another point - WHY DO I PUSH MYSELF SO HARD? I have this sick need to be perfect. To show the world im perfect. That im in control of myself, my thoghts, what i do. That im happy, i have everything. The need to constantly work out, to lose or at least mantain my weight/shape/whatever. To be able to do fairly well in everything (if someone else can do it, so can i). To be able to live up to other peoples expectations (its bad enough i diasappoint myself, it feels worse to dissapoint others). Its a stressful way of seeing things. I think real hard each time i put somthing into my mouth. I stay up to complete my work because i have never felt i was up to date. I push myself because everyone else seems to understand while I BLOODY DONT.I CANT SEEM TO LET GO. Sometimes i really hate myself.

I still want to open a bakery.

Another day, another entry..

Jit Shiong is back. Yup..the tall dude with big feet and tight scout pants (it happens when the uniforms only come in a certain size).
We went for dinner today, he, terri and i. The usual lets-meet-up-after not seeing each-other-for-so-long kinda thing. Being the dude he is, im not surprised if there are i quote 'crazy girls' going after him. But he managed to capture the heart of get this a two year old girl!
We were havin dinner at Sem Ali (i had a craving for maggi goreng ayam tambah telur atas) when this tiny little girl (im guessing its the stalls owners kid) kinda sidled up to him and stared at him. Then came closer. And closer. And tried to climb onto his lap. (all the while she pretty much ignored terri and i) Then she stares adoringly into his face then runs off. And repeats the whole process again. And when it came time for us to leave (actually our dinner was cut short cos he was being overrun by kids) she clung onto his leg and literally just hung there. It was the funniest thing, watching this big tall guy try to figure out how to prise a small chubby girl of his leg, and keep her from running after him. This is what you call a girl magnet.
I'm glad he's back though.. That makes it three now. And Vila and Jooi Hong will be back come 23rd this month. I havent seen her in ages... Its been five days since i came back. And so far the days have been pretty much filled up with meals (oh man im getting FAT), movies and gym (Thanks to Michelle for feeding me:)). And im looking forward to meeting up with everyone else after so long, Yi Wenn especially...okay....im babbling again....oh well...babble away....

Please Help me..

Please help me.
Please stop smoking. At least try to cut down. TRY. Noone can make if you if you dont want to but i really hope you will. You've promised me countless times. Yet i still cant do anything. Of the things i dont like you to do, this is the one that curently concerns me the most.
Please take care of yourself. You're not invincible, you cant handle everything. Accidents happen. No matter how safe you think you may drive. Or how logical your thoughts may be.
Please get enough sleep. At relatively normal hours. Catnapping does not make up for the sleep you lose. You know that as well as i. It damages you. Not just now but permanently.
Just listen to me, dont argue over this. I dont want to fight. It doenst hurt just you when you do these things. It hurts me too..

I love you too much..please..will you help me?

It is Alive!!!!!!

FINALLY!!
The GOddess has returned!!
Yup..the semester is over, My finals are done for (literally) and im back. But i refuse tho think about those papers and ruin my holidays. I AM FREE!!. Back where there is good food. Back to where people speak english. Back to where people generally know what im talking about. Back to having my own room. And hot water. Back to havin internet access. Back to a place where i somehow belong. And i dont get that empty feelin anymore. Back to where i can sleep and wake whatever time i like..
ahhhh... pure bliss...Maybe now my eye bags will dissapear.. And i can get rid of that horrible stressful feelings that have accumulated during the past month or so.
Now theres only one thing im missing.. missing so so much. Like a little ache that never goes away.. Im not complete yet. Truthfully speaking though, it hasnt been all that bad. A person can get used to anything.... and finally, im getting used to it.. :) Yes, i do have bouts of depression every now and then (sorry baby). Especially with finals coming up.. and i get that feeling that i'll never be good enough. That i'll never live up to expectations. That i'll be a failure. But hey!Im mostly quite okay...really... Now....should i get myself a little critter to keep myself company for next sem??? Hmmmmm...

News Flash : Terri has coloured her hair red. I've had a thought. Im literally the only girl with purely virgin hair.
Note : Love you baby..think of Langkawi..

Well, this babe is outta here ... its time to keep myself busy.
Muaks!

A recent Update
A BITCH - 16th OCT 2004 0203

Why do i get this feeling that i always take back seat to everything? That you're too busy, that i have to be squeezed in amongst the many things you have to do seem to precede over me? Only call on your time. When you're free. And for some reason i'm always free. If i go out, i try to be available for your call. I try to make as much time as possible for you. You want to call me in the middle of the night, it doesnt matter. I get this feeling that i always end up sitting and waiting. Like its been so long you've become familiar with the whole routine.
It still matters. I still need attention. I still need to feel special. That im loved. That i matter.
I CANT BLOODY HELP IT.
ITS THE DAMN DISTANCE.

A Sleepless Night - 21st Sept 2004 0229

Oh God.
Heres something i never thought i'd come across stayin on campus - my roomie SNORES And i dont mean little small cute snores. Its loud and clear. So loud its kept me up for the past couple of hours. And i have an eight o clock morning class.. Seriously wondering if i should go over and poke her sides so she'd turn over .... Im a light sleeper.. And if she dont stop anytime soon, i aint getting much sleep tonight...
Oh hell.....

Im Lost

Out of the many things in this lifetime that i fear, one of the most prominent fear in my life is if being lost. Maybe its some psychological thing left over from my childhood (you know, geting lost in shopping complexes) but yea.. im scared of being lost. Not just lost as in i dont know how to get somewhere kind of lost. The lost where you dont know whats going on, you dont know what to do, you dont know where to go. You dont know why, you dont know how. And you cant do shit about it. The feeling that you, your life and everything surrounding you in just spinning out of control. You cant get where you want to go. You cant find who you want to find. You cant get to your safe place. And all you can do it sit there like an idiot, go round in circles and watch everything whizz by you. Which might explain my obsessive need to always be doing something. To keep busy. Even when i dont know what to do i at least fake it and look like im doing something.
Makes me feel less stupid somehow

Millipede Murder

Have i ever mentioned the millipedes un my uni?? Well, the place is crawling with em, dont ask me why..ranging from small to big, from the cute little black and yellow ones to the wormy red ones.
Neway, having nothing much better to do standing around in the foyer sometimes, i stare at em. Know what? Theyre actually pretty cute. Really. And since then, i have developed a strange fascination with the little critters. (you know they cant walk straight??)

I AM A MURDERER.
I stepped on one yesterday. In the corridor. On the way to the CAD/CAM lab. (this is what happens when you talk to much and dont look at the ground when you walk) I didnt see it and i stepped on its side. I literally heard/felt it go crunch

Murder of the first degree. Oh the guilt.......im a murderer......
May the soul of the little millipede (do millipedes have souls?) rest in peace

Happy Happy..

Its yet another day. And yet another entry. But today, its gonna focus on feeling good. And being happy :) . Someone commented on how depressed i seem to be in most of my entries. SO today im gonna try something different. Here goes..

I had ice cream today. Two scoops of Baskin Robbins. (the flavour of the month is pretty good). Im happy :) See.. its not that hard to make me happy ..

On another note..talked to Vila today. Seems like she's having a blast im UM. Down to mid Valley everyday..out every night until the wee hours of the morning. Which makes me wonder how on earth she manages to have so much free time.. must be the whole lit course thingy. Also makes me wonder though..how i would have turned up if i was there with her...The world is full of what ifs. Which im NOT going to think about. Cos the aim of this whole entry is not to think and just be happy. im going to focus on my ice cream. Hmmmmm..........

~Sayang i love you~

Another short note : Thanks Tze Lin..

The thought of A Thought of A thought..

I hate thinking. I hate thoughts. Especially the ones that sneak up on you, at the most unpropriate times. Cos these thoughts are generally the most unpleasant ones. Truthfully, i dont really see the point of sitting there/lying there with the same damn thoughts running over and over in your head. When theres not a damn thing to be done about the situation anyway. Except further worsen should you choose to open your gap. Really.. such a waste of time...such a waste of emotion. Cos some to think of it, its not like nice, happy thoughts keep you awake at night. Its those dark, evil ones that keep you up. That raise your blood pressure. How i wish i didnt have any.

I dont see the point of playing mind games, sneaking into other peoples head, messing with their thoughts. Maybe im too naive, obviously i will never become a politician. So sue me. I just cant. Not good at it, never will be. Dont know if its a blessing or a curse but its what im stuck with. Maybe in ten years time i wouldve become old and cynical to join in with the rest of the rat pack but right now, im lost.

I hate it when im not heard, when what i say falls on deaf ears, or even worse, is met with total ridicule. One cannot know anything, im entitled to a thought. To my opinion. To my logic.
Just because people dont see things the way you want them to doesnt mean they dont see it at all.

Q: Whats the use of shooting down everything i say, of disbelieving me even before the words are out of my mouth?
A: Nothing
Q: What the use of critisising me, of laughing at me, when im saying something that i mean?
A: Nothing
Q: Whats the use of not believing me when i say i cant? (I am human, i am vulnerable. I cant do everything. I have many weaknesses. The last thing i need if to get everything shoved into my face. Do i have to fall all the way down before you listen)
A: Nothing

There is nothing to be gained from this at all. The more shit gets spat back at you, the less i eventually will have to say.

One day i will finally learn. And be silent.

Rainy Day

Another day.. another update.
Im back from a rather costly shopping expedition from kl.. and im sitting at home.. alone..half bored to death. And it hits me. The loneliness. The feeling of sitting alone, of being alone, of having nothing to do. The feeling of missing someone so badly, but theres nothing you can do about it. That shitty feeling of having to just sit and wait. Damn i hate that feeling.
And it does NOT help that its raining, i have no car, i have no money and my phone is barred. *sigh*

I miss you. Not nearly enough time. Never enough time..

3rd August 2004

I don’t understand. I still don’t get it.

11th July 2004, 1942 – Back to School

Its Sunday already. All too fast the weekend is already over, and its time to go back. Back to Nibong Tebal, where theres nothing to do. Back to the hostel room which I have to share with another 3 people. No more hot water showers, no more gym, no more McDonalds, no more car, and most importantly no more friends. Not like what I have here. But somehow, it doesn’t seem that bad this time.

I don’t want to go back, but its not the end of the world.

Ive had a good weekend, though a better part of it was spent in the gym. But i had a good time. Nights out, plenty of starbucks, plenty of good company.. Its not like we did anything super hip and happening, but it was a great weekend.

Im recharged and ready to go back.
Ready for another week of studies and walking around in the blazing sun.
And then I’ll be able to come back, have a little fun then head down south to see Jon.

It feels good.

6th July 2004, 1944 - And isnt it Ironic..

Why oh why does it always rain when I wash my clothes?

Curse the weather here. Bloody hot when im walking back from class yet rains while my clothes are outside drying. And it would rain cats and dogs (think like the day after tomorrow kind of storm) when im on my way to class. The kind of rain where you hold and umbrella and stand under shelter and you still get soaked. And it would be just after I washed my shoes and im wearing freshly washed jeans.

*sigh*

To save my shoes, I took em off and put them in my bag. Then walked all the way to class in the rain BAREFOOT. Bloody cold.
So I arrive to class late, do a grand total of TWO questions and walk all the way back in the rain.Its just not worth it.

Another example of irony on campus:

I rush back from class during lunchtime, settle in my room, eat, redo my assignment and gather a whole bag of clothes to go down to the launderette.
It takes a little longer than expected to complete everything, so by the time im headed down to the dobi, im running late. Anyways, I reach all the way there in the blazing sun to find out that ITS CLOSED.(curses on the dude who gave me the wrong time)
So once again, I run all the way back up to my room to deposit my huge bag of stinky clothes and rush all the way down to the lecture hall. Did I mention its one of those bitching hot days? I arrived there (late of course) just in time to here to lecturer announce that CLASS IS CANCELLED. Joy. And to top it off, I overslept in the morning (my roomie had to wake me up) and I have no more water and the damn waterlife machine is spoilt.

Its like rain on your wedding day
Its a free ride when youve already paid
Its the good advice that you just didnt take
And who wouldve thought it figured?

30th June 2004, 0326

Its been a long time.
Im still in nibong tebal.

I wonder why it always ends up like this. I wonder why it even starts. I wonder why you give up, give in so easily.

It scares me.
That you can run away so quickly. That you can turn around so easily.

Because I cant.

I thought you’d be happy. That id be comin down, that wed be able to see each other one last time in penang, and you wouldn’t even have to move. You wouldnt have to drive so far, wake up so early, pay so much. Of course you’d be the main reason I come back. Just wanted to make one last trip down, while I still can.

It hurts when you snap at me.
I just wanted someone to talk to.
I wanted to talk to you.
Cos you make me feel better.

I don’t want to be miserable.
I don’t want to be depressed.
I don’t want to be alone.

Somewhere between 21st-25th June 2004, at night in DK1

Its true that you arent always around when I need you. I hate this feeling. I hate being alone with nothing to do in a place im not familiar with. And you cant make yourself available. Not even for a teeny weeny while. Just a message. Not even five minutes. That’s all im asking. But all the wishing and wanting in the world cant make anything change. Doesn’t make a difference. Feel so bloody alone. So lost. I don’t know where I fit in. Neither Chinese nor non Chinese. Stuck in the middle, in between everything.

Still no sound from you.
I should give up hoping, and hear from you some other day.
Who knows, tonight you’ll be busy packing for tomorrow.And tomorrow you’d already have left for Ipoh to have a good time. Whilst I sit here and you still don’t have time for me.

I hate thinking thoughts like this. But I cant help it. I gave up going to Singapore. I wish i could have just little bit of your time when I need you most.

I hate this.
I hate it when i think like this.
I want to go home. I don’t want to be a minority, I don’t want to be left behind. The people here are no substitute for a good conversation. I’m like a fish out of water. Im suffocating. Slowly dying. With not even this weekend to look forward to. And next weekend you wont be here anymore. Was i right when I said you’d get sick of driving up and down?

Maybe its just me, but I cant see anything here for me. Just a very long and lonely four years ahead. Id rather class start just so id have something to do and a reason to keep busy. If not then at least have my laptop with me so if I squat in my room all day it would be for a reason. Maybe I am being anti social but its hard to get a conversation going when you don’t have much in common. When you don’t speak the same language. When you are inferior.

This is something im not used to.
I hate not having any direction.

18th June 2004, 0008 – Orientation Week

Its my fourth day here, at USM engineering campus room 2253. Its also a Thursday night, 17th June which means tomorrow is Friday! Finally! An end to a very long week. I can finally go home, see my friends, eat good food, get some sleep and see Jon. Then I have to come back here all over again.

Classes haven’t started yet. And I have no idea what things will be like once they are. I see close to no similarities in the personality of my fellow classmates and me. (there are after all only eight girls doing pure mech and out of that only 4 chinese). About half of the population here is Chinese. And out of all of them, only a handful of us cant speak mandarin. Say less than 5%. I feel so inferior. I dont know how im gonna handle things here. I have apparently chosen one of the toughest courses – most units this sem. And looking around, everyone else is a high achiever. I doubt myself again.
I don’t know how im gonna settle down and find my own little gang. Im guessing that I’ll probably be hanging out mostly with the old 6AB dudes since most of the people here don’t speak English. I have to go and find some help. I was never close to Jesie, but im going to miss her once class starts. I have too heavy a schedule and we don’t share the same classes. I don’t know what ive gotten myself into this time.
Have bloody hostel orientation next week. Everyday till midnight. For a whole entire week. From morning till night on weekends. I cant go back. ? . I want to go back. I want to see Jon. I want to go back to something I’m familiar with. Where I can have a decent conversation.

Over here, if you’re a Chinese you have to be able to speak mandarin. I don’t fit in somehow. No Indian girls here either, so that doesn’t leave me with much. Its lonely. Only good thing is that im already used to doing things by myself. Then again, this is something new. Somewhere I’ve never bean before. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to go. I don’t know if I can handle it.

I miss my old life.

It doesn’t hit you that bad during orientation cos youre kept busy, being ferried from one place to another after another. Its when you sit here by yourself alone it sneaks up on you. And you realise how utterly alone and cut off from everything you are.
Which is why sometimes at night I try to drag things on so by the time im done it’ll be late and I’ll be so tired I’ll just collapse into bed. Saves a lot of tossing and turning.

*I miss you. I miss the familiarity.
I want to go home*

11th June 2004, 0434

I have made my choice. And I feel good, now I finally made a decision. I don’t know if it’s the wisest thing to do. I don’t know if I might regret it in the future. But its something I’ll have to risk.

Three days in tears is more than enough. I don’t want to go.
I know I should, but I don’t want to.
For the moment, I know I’d be happier here. Im not ready to go that far, im not ready to let go. Im not willing to risk everything I have here, for something im not sure of there.

I don’t know if I can take a six day week of studies. I don’t know if I can cope with the workload. I don’t want to go there and feel like im never good enough, its bad enough over here without having to compete with the crème of the crop. I know I cant afford to live there, I know I wont be able to enjoy the lifestyle im used to. I know that theres a give and take for everything. But I don’t know if im willing to give that much. To spend so much for a qualification and give my entire life to studying alone for four years. I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I can push myself so hard, for so long. I don’t want to go there, and sink into depression and have no one to turn to. Im not ready to go.

Just the thought of me going is enough to put me into tears. I have spent sleepless nights since the arrival of that damn offer letter. And if its that bad here, who knows what might happen when I go. I know deep down I don’t want to leave. Im happy here, with the comfort and security. I know that im not alone, I have the assurance I can come home, I have the assurance that I know people on campus. It might not be the best campus around, but its good enough.

I just don’t know what to tell my mother. I don’t want to disappoint her, I know she wants me to go. But I don’t want to. I feel that my happiness is more important than the paper. Im here on scholarship, I have a job waiting for me when I come out. and I know if im unhappy in NUS, there is no way I will be able to perform. And I will have no one to turn to.

Im a social animal, I need people. I like to go out, I like to have fun.
Im not willing to give up that much. And even if I do, theres no guarantee that I can score. That I will be able to graduate somewhere on top.
And id rather be on top in a class not so prestigious, than right at the bottom amongst the best.

I want my varsity life to be something to remember. Not merely four years of study.
Because theres more to life than just books.

I still will have qualifications. I still graduate with a degree. And as far as local unis go, USM is a pretty good place to be. Of course the location might suck, but you cant have everything.
I don’t know how to break it to my mother.
I know a lot of people are gonna call me stupid.
But its what I want to do.

11th June 2004, 01.30 – Decisions

I am not happy about going to USM instead of UM, where I originally intended to be. But I’ve decided to be optimistic about it and was already getting used to the idea. Its not that far away from home..the campus might suck and there might not be anything worth doing in Nibong Tebal but I still had the comfort of coming back (to what, im not sure). Jon would be back every once in a while…I know there will be classmates I know. I know I wont be alone, that I will at the very least have peoples brains to pick on, have people to eat lunch with, have people to walk with..

Then I get an offer to NUS. Somewhere I never even dreamed of going to. And it threw everything I had in mind into one big mess. I don’t know if I want to go. Its been a day and I still don’t know. Everything is here. Im not in a different state anymore, im in a different country.
And the time to make a decision is drawing closer.

Im scared.

I know that its one of the best Unis to go to. I know that the quality of education is way better, that the facilities offered far surpass what is offered in USM. But I still don’t know what to do.

Not only does it cost a bomb (just the tuition fees and accommodation and id be paying through my ass) but it is bloody far away from home. I cant go back. I wont be able to enjoy the fairly comfortable lifestyle I have here. I wont be able to go out all the time, I wont be able to play, I wont be able to see my friends. I wont be able to treat myself to lifes little luxuries, I wont be able to shop, to splurge on food. I wont be able to see Jon. That hurts the most.

Im scared. Im scared I cant cope, I cant handle it. The past few years of my life, ive always had someone to help me. Someone to explain to me what I don’t know, what I cant understand. And there wont be anyone there. I don’t know if I can handle the distance. I need him. I need the reassurance that he’ll be there, that I have someone to turn to, a voice to comfort me. Theres no way I can expect him to come and see me. And I don’t know how often I can see him. A bus from Singapore to KL is like 4, 5 hours? So staying there on budget, maybe once a month?
Its not going to be easy studying there. The competition is intense, I don’t know if I can keep up. I don’t know if im good enough. I don’t know if I can fit in. I can admit, im lazy. I like to play, I like to have a good time. I don’t know if I can handle four years there. Four years is a long time. I don’t know a lot of things.
I don’t know if I’ll end up regretting if I go, or end up regretting if I don’t go.
I don’t know what to do. Heck I don’t even know if I should be even doing engineering. Already im homesick thinking of leaving. I never planned to go. I never even gave it a second thought. But now….i don’t know…..i know my mother wants me to go…I know that I have been given an opportunity that many didn’t get. But I don’t know of I’ll be happy there. Or whether I’ll have to struggle through my term there.

I really don’t know if I can handle it.
And I still don’t know what to do.

7th June 2004 1531 - DUmb Blondes?

I have come to the conclusion that the longer youre on holiday, the more your brain shrinks. And i have my buddy Chai to thank for that. Chai, the studious, responsible, down to earth girl whom with i once used to cycle around the neighbourhood.

We were out in the open air. And it started to drizzle.
The first words out of her mouth :

"Oh no! Im not wearing waterproof mascara!"

Then she runs to the shade trying to cover - get this her EYELASHES

By the way, we were at a barbeque....