Alone.

Lonliness hits you the hardest when everyone around you has someone.

Im pissed..

Fuck. My mom is back. All I can say is i wish for hell that she didnt. That she could have just stayed the hell away and left me alone. Ideally with a monthly cash transfer into my bank account and a car. Then i would be happy.

I went to pick her and the damn dude up from the jetty. I already made plans, its my last day here. I'll be going back tomorrow. So i made plans that of course, include me driving. I had my whole night planned out nicely in my head. but noo.. shen just had to wreck everything. She just had to decide that she wanted to drop the fucking dude back to his house and have dinner with him. I dont understand why i cant just drop both of em back at his place and he drive. After all, i went all the way there to pick him from his house to go to the jetty, why cant he just drop my mom back. Why? because my mom doenst want to. I already said i had plans, she says my plans dont matter, they can wait. Even better she odnt know when she'll be back. And she has the nerve to ask me to finish her damn course outline for her. Nevermind that im stuck here, i havent eaten, and i have plans. That not just involve me, but other people. So im not the only one sitting here on an empty belly. Nevermind that she asked me to drive the old junk which ive on more than one account almost had an accident in. Im only here for one more night, why does she have to make it so damn difficult? To hell with what anyone says. Im getting a bike.

I wish i could just leave. I wish i could have my own place, my own cash, be responsible for JUST ME. Not for the first time..

blink blink

I remember when i was in Form 5 add math lesson, Ms Ang used to say time passes so fast, you just 'blink blink' and its gone. And we all sat there in class blinking :)
In no time at all, my holidays are coming to a close. I have been to Langkawi and back, Vila has come and gone, I have met the famous Bong, Tze Lin will be back in a while, i have fought, gotten sunburnt and done a whole lot of other things. Sigh. And now its time to (ugh) go back. Im not done yet!! I still havent had enough time!! My mom is going to Langkawi tomorrow. She with the dude and all the orphanage kids and staff. All i can say is thank god she didnt end up going when i did. I can imagine it would have but a huge damper on the whole holiday mood. I dont see much of my mom, so its not like i'll miss her or anything.. and the happy bit?? I FINALLY HAVE THE CAR!! Finally..after spending these holls either driving a piece of junk (i could have died in it) or having to depend on other people to drive me around (I had to resort to bribery and lotsa puppy dog eyes) I can DRIVE MYSELF AROUND! I can go where i want, when i want.. Ahh...i feel so free now... :)

Gibberish

This is what I have learnt today :

1. My grandfather was born on the 17th of September 1914. That would make it 11 days before my birthday. He died at the age of 87.

2. The old house in Ipoh, the mega huge one is at Kampar Drive. Finally I know where it is.

3. There are an awful lot of old people in Ipoh. I mean ALOT. From old ladies that can still cycle to the market, to old ladies that walk with their maids, to old ladies that cant exactly walk, cant exactly see, cant exactly hear.

4. I have decided I do NOT want to end up at the stage where I cant hear, cant walk, cant see.

5. My grandmother who is around 85 is looking around for a nice retirement home to settle into (think nice as is Cameron Highlands). I think my grandmother has more common sense then my dad will ever have.

6. An awful lot of landslides are occurring (see, this is what happens when you mess up the eco system). I counted about six and that was just at the windy road to Ipoh. And they were really big landslides

7. I saw four ambulances passing me on the opposite side of the highway. It was a rainy afternoon..

Random Thoughts

Oh my.. I am bored stiff.
As of right now, im sitting alone in Ipoh. I have been here for say 3 hours and im bored to tears. There is nothing to do. My brother isn’t here. Just me, my mom and my dad. The drive here was bad enough (imagine they had to argue on the way down) and now they have gone for acupuncture so I cant even run down to Jaya Jusco. Oh hell…maybe later at night. Thankfully though, I had enough sense to bring my laptop down. Thus the existence of this entry.
My final results will be out in two weeks. I am worried sick. And I have decided not to tell anyone what I got. Cause either way im gonna end up feeling stupid. I think I shall go to Langkawi and drown myself in booze and chocolate.

OH MY I AM SO BORED.

~~mindless babbling and gibberish~~

I have a resolution : I am gonna stay away from my hairdresser this month. Yes, I am NOT going to cut my hair. For once. I will save the $40 and umm..go eat ice cream.

Some more mindless thoughts
Ive been on holiday for almost two weeks already. So fast, time has passed and half my holidays have gone. In that space of time I haven’t accomplished much. I have managed to eat a lot of good food, watch movies, pick fights, and completely change my point of view.Amazing, isnt it.. But coming to the subject of time passing, I have come to realise, my first sem is finally over. And im still alive. And im okay with with it.
Its interesting, how adaptable the human being is. From how much I hated being in USM, how much I wanted to leave, how I used to cry at night I’ve gotten used to the whole routine. I can sit back and think, hey its not that bad. It an okay place to be. My roomie’s a nice girl, I do have people to talk to when there’s time. Given the chance now, I wouldn’t leave. I’m settled in. More or less. Its not worth the hassle. My only gripe : no food, no car, no time…no Jon.
Everythings gonna be okay…

Of friendship.
I still do and always will cherish the good times we had back during our schooldays. But I accept that as we grow older, things change. Our priorities change. Its not just to school and back. It’s a whole lot more now. I accept that our friendships will change. It doenst make things any less, but it will never be the same.

Of growing up.
I turned twenty this year. I have left my teens behind forever. I still have a lot of growing up to do. Though I still nuture my inner child (quite frequently too) I know some day, I’ll have to grow up, I’ll have to shoulder a lot more responsibilities then I already do. But hey..i’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. I can now realise I can NOT bring home that stray dog/cat/whetever. I realise that even though there are many things I WANT, there is nothing I NEED. I realise that everything is up to me. That noone can always be with me, can always follow me, can always back me up. I have learnt that I need to let go. Some things cannot be changed.

I miss Jon…

End of ramblings…

Ramblings

This entry runs back to my need to have something to do. Heres a resolution : I will NOT babble endlessly about nonsense. I will NOT let my mind and emotions run havoc. I WILL add all entries objectively and clearly. I will be sane. I will be sane. I will be sane.... The more i see the word sane the more insane i feel.

The End

Maybe i should stop doing this. Maybe i should stop blogging and let this die a natural death. Maybe i should stop it and do it the normal way - on paper which i can just burn.

Maybe.