Back. Yeah.

Okay its been one and a half months.

I spent the first 3 to 4 days in the office post vcataion being depressed.

Im still in the office, and Im still unmotivated.

Pfft.

It all comes down to

You're not giving me what I need.

I crave junk food.

Today I will be contemplative and neither bitch nor whinge.

I went up to my usual spot at the port side burner today; then further up to the top deck.
Its a good place to just be. If you block everything out, it seems likes it just you and the sea. Thats it. And I spent the morning looking at the vast nothingness.

And looking for fish.

On most days now, the weather isnt good enough, the sun doenst shine bright enough to reflect the light off the ocean and turn it all into the greeny blue aquamarine, clear enough to see at least a few feet down into and watch for fishies.

Now its misty, the surface or the sea is more a dull, dark blue green. And I cant see the fish. Maybe theyre still there, but try as I might, I cant see the schools of them like i sometimes do.

If I stare hard enough, I see the ocassional jellyfish - semi transclucents blobs just bobbing on the surface, riding the currents and sometimes I see the seasnakes. If Im really lucky I see the occasional glint of light reflecting of something down there .. But I cant tell what it is. Maybe its a fish, maybe a sting ray ... I can't tell .. I just know that theres something down there.

It drives me nuts, not knowing what it is.

I dont like not knowing. And I guess looking back, all the spontaneous acts were maybe not so much spontaneous cos I knew they were safe. More or less. I dont like not knowing where Im going, what will happen; I dont like the big grey fuzzy mist ahead.

Calculated spontaniety. Theres an oxymoron if you ever saw one.

Tissue Paper

Up and down, round and round.

My thoughts are as about as predictable as my mood swings. Dammit.

Sudden bout of homesickness, brought on by lack of sleep and too much stress.

I miss you all, I want to go home.

I don't like being responsible, and I think I've never worked so hard ever.

Damn. I have issues.

Clarity

"By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When I won't and it won't cause it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to"

Right or wrong decisions, noone knows. Its hard to tell.

And maybe you cant really categorise a decision as right or wrong; it just is. And you deal with what comes later.

If the right decision is the harder one to make, is it really right? Or is it all just in our (or in this case, my) head?

Looking for direction, still not finding any. Its so hard to let go; so hard to leave a safety net.

Like a hamster on a running wheel.

I have a box. I have many boxes, in fact.

Boxes where I store my thoughts, where I shove away everything I cant deal with so I can happily go on in denial.

Im running out of space. Trying to continue to cram stuff into overflowing boxes means inevitably some stuff spills over.

Denial unravels and it gets harder and harder to make it through the day; it gets harder and harder to cope.

So what do you do ?

Sometimes the most obvious decisions are the hardest to make. The most obvious things are the hardest to do. Living in denial is a much easier (albeit alot less healthier, maybe?) way to push on.

What do you hold on to when there is nothing left?

I tell you, I'm a sucker for pain.

I keep moving, but I can't tell if Im moving foward, backward, or Im at a standstill.

It was long then it was short.

I used to think that I was youthfull (har har)
Young at heart, at least.

Im not so sure anymore. Slowly morphing into a cynical bitch; in 20 years time if Im not careful i'll be the psycho lady with cats.

I've been away from home for far too long. I havent talked to my mum since CNY.

Its been a difficult week. And lack of sleep makes me grumpy.

When shit hits the fan you cant escape. Nowhere to run, it just splatters everywhere.

Anyway. I didnt realise it was Friday the 13th till later in the day, so it isnt self fulfilling prophecy.

:( I need my safe place. I just need to go home.

Let loose

I miss the music.

I miss listening to music, dancing to it.
I miss the stupid morning radio programs that used to keep my company while I made my lonely drive back and forth between my home/uni/work.

Still listening to the same old stuff.

Like a good friend. Good music is good music. Even if its old. Even if you havent changed it in years.

Still good. Still fits.

Mumble mumble

random notes i should have put in my facebook but i never did
i.e.

I dont mumble ! I just speak a little soft
Never say my 't's at the end of a sentance properly
apparently turn pink when i get pissed off and start ranting
yadda yadda yadda

I had many things to say, but now its too cold, I drank too much tea and i desperately desperately need to pee.

And I know as soon as i leave my lappie someone is gonna reach over and take the LAN cable out so I holding it in till I finish off what I need to do.

Hmm Hmmm..

Quiet shift - everything on hold for now. I guess it tends to happen when someone gets a massive stroke/heart attack/embolism (just speculation) and expires.

I cant believe it took 6 hours for a chopper to get here.

I cant imagine what it must be like for those who worked with him, four and a half years, everyday ...

They had to watch him go, they couldnt do anything and they cant even say goodbye.

Something fishy

Okay.

Well you know when some long lost havent spoken to since graduation and barely spoke to during uni anyway classmate sends you a message, either

a) he's making an effort to keep in touch or
b) he wants something

You know when the messages starts with, Hi how are you and progresses to I heard you;re working somewhere somewhere, either

a) he really wants to get know or
b) he wants something

When you the message starts going .... " so, how much do you get paid " or something along those lines, you KNOW he wants something. Even more so when you get asked .. " any openings in your office "

-_-"

Normally, I dont mind. But some people just rub me the wrong way.

Colourblind

I noticed that the past couple of times I had the urge to scribble it was mainly to bitch.

I had the urge just to vent (pressure relief, har har)

Another day come and gone. All the days kinda blurred together, I cant tell one day from the other.

But its good though. I woke up this morning feeling okay - if you dont count the initial just woke up pre coffee period. I had a couple of conversations in my head few days back, realised I still have no conclusion, made a couple of calls back to the mother ship and all is good.

An epiphany - Im happy here. Happier here than I was in uni. I miss my friends, I miss the times I had with my friends - the dinners, the wild nights out, quiet nights in, shopping, coffee, gym, the beach, Paku nites, simple joys of midnight mamak.. I miss my pets, miss my simple routines ...

.. but I dont miss being in uni. I dont miss the cold showers, the crappy lecturers, the stress and feelings of inadequecy. Dont miss having to conform to some ridiculous idea of good behaviour, don't have to sweep up handed down crap, don't have to be caught in a crossfire.

Nas says thats probably why i ahem .. filled out. Cos Im happier here. Maybe I am. Its strange - I had to travel so far away to find myself.

But then again maybe I just flew so far away to make a clean break. Restart, reinvent. Ostrich-like, I know I have issues.

Am I different ? Different but the same. Its still me.

Im confusing myself again. But for now, I am content.

Overcast

The last time I had the urge to scribble something down here it was day 55 on the rig.

Now Im back on another rig, albeit a slightly smaller one.

And I'm scribbling. Fine. Typing.

For the past day or so I've been going back and forth between the colours orange (not pink) and grey .. or blue. Maybe the end result is just a grey mess.

Not sure what triggered it, not quite sure what happened in between the orange days and the grey days, maybe its just been too long since my last everything.

Maybe not enough sleep, maybe too much free time, maybe im just having wild mood swings, blame it on hormones.

Ugh. Feeling a little homesick. I need some love.

Day 55 Save Me

Okay. Im still here. Still alive. Barely. Surviving, I supposed not living. Yeah, Im extra grumpy today. Since i passed the 40 day mark ive had good days and bad days. Today happens to be a bad day. Its the first day I've felt teary since I've arrived. Oh man, Ive been deprived of my lotions and potions, deprived of good meals, deprived of entertainment and a good bottle of wine, deprived of company, deprived of human contact and connection. Deprived of a wild night out with the girls when all we do is giggle. Yes, Im bitching today. Everyone is entitled to bitch a little. I guess Im just missing my life. And I miss my legs. Ugh. Depressed. Will attempt to go running tomorrow. I need a holiday.

Day 51

Okay. I've been feeling a little edgy/pissy/fidgity/bitchy of late.

Easily irritated and running low on patience. Im not sure if Im pms-ing or its the early mornings that are getting to me. Or just the fact that I never have a moment to myself anymore.

Grr. Maybe I've been here too long.

Whatever.

The first thing Im gonna do when I get back on land is to go get my money and do some serious shopping.

Im in dire need of a haircut (maybe some treatment), a facial, a mani/pedi, a trip down to Strip and a nice afternoon at Danai spa. All of which I am not going to get till I go home.

So. I might as well go out and shop. Get some proper shampoo and conditioner. Get my moisturizer and scrub and loofah. Basically just to go out and come back so I can pamper myself and feel luxurious all over again.

Maybe something to wear. And something decent to eat.

Necessary supplies.

So many things, so little time.

I miss normal.

2 months back

Okay. I finally finally managed to watch the Devil wears Prada.

Yeah yeah, I know Im like super outdated, but I did read the book though.

Anyhoo.. There was a setting in Paris. And I suddenly recognized the familiar sights.. The eiffel, the arc, champs elysee .. notre dame and st michelle .. the bridges .. the seine

Damn, so many memories. And I missed it.Just for a teeny tiny moment, I felt sad ...Sad that such a good time passed and now I really actually have to work.

Ah well. Thats what memories are for, I guess. To look back and recall fondly upon.

I do wish I could go back though, if only just for a while.

Times like these

"In times like these
In times like those
What will be will be
And so it goes
And it always goes on and on...
On and on it goes

And there has always been laughing, crying, birth, and dying
Boys and girls with hearts that take and give and break
And heal and grow and recreate and raise and nurture
But then hurt from time to time like these
And times like those
And what will be will be
And so it goes

And there will always be stop and go and fast and slow
Action,Reaction, sticks and stones and broken bones
Those for peace and those for war
And god bless these ones, not those ones
But these ones made times like these
And times like those
What will be will be
And so it goes
And it always goes on and on...
On and on it goes

But somehow I know it won't be the same
Somehow I know it will never be the same."

Taking one day at a time, one step after another.

Its easier to keep moving that way.
But sometimes its just not enough.

I'm finding it harder than I thought to juggle; to keep things simple.
I guess there is no simple answer, I wish there was. How do I move forward without leaving everything behind ?

I thought I had everything figured out, somewhere along the way black and white meshed into grey.

2008 has been a journey, to say the least.
Did I lose myself along the way ?