You're not giving me what I need.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Friday, April 03, 2009
I crave junk food.
Today I will be contemplative and neither bitch nor whinge.
I went up to my usual spot at the port side burner today; then further up to the top deck.
Its a good place to just be. If you block everything out, it seems likes it just you and the sea. Thats it. And I spent the morning looking at the vast nothingness.
And looking for fish.
On most days now, the weather isnt good enough, the sun doenst shine bright enough to reflect the light off the ocean and turn it all into the greeny blue aquamarine, clear enough to see at least a few feet down into and watch for fishies.
Now its misty, the surface or the sea is more a dull, dark blue green. And I cant see the fish. Maybe theyre still there, but try as I might, I cant see the schools of them like i sometimes do.
If I stare hard enough, I see the ocassional jellyfish - semi transclucents blobs just bobbing on the surface, riding the currents and sometimes I see the seasnakes. If Im really lucky I see the occasional glint of light reflecting of something down there .. But I cant tell what it is. Maybe its a fish, maybe a sting ray ... I can't tell .. I just know that theres something down there.
It drives me nuts, not knowing what it is.
I dont like not knowing. And I guess looking back, all the spontaneous acts were maybe not so much spontaneous cos I knew they were safe. More or less. I dont like not knowing where Im going, what will happen; I dont like the big grey fuzzy mist ahead.
Calculated spontaniety. Theres an oxymoron if you ever saw one.
I went up to my usual spot at the port side burner today; then further up to the top deck.
Its a good place to just be. If you block everything out, it seems likes it just you and the sea. Thats it. And I spent the morning looking at the vast nothingness.
And looking for fish.
On most days now, the weather isnt good enough, the sun doenst shine bright enough to reflect the light off the ocean and turn it all into the greeny blue aquamarine, clear enough to see at least a few feet down into and watch for fishies.
Now its misty, the surface or the sea is more a dull, dark blue green. And I cant see the fish. Maybe theyre still there, but try as I might, I cant see the schools of them like i sometimes do.
If I stare hard enough, I see the ocassional jellyfish - semi transclucents blobs just bobbing on the surface, riding the currents and sometimes I see the seasnakes. If Im really lucky I see the occasional glint of light reflecting of something down there .. But I cant tell what it is. Maybe its a fish, maybe a sting ray ... I can't tell .. I just know that theres something down there.
It drives me nuts, not knowing what it is.
I dont like not knowing. And I guess looking back, all the spontaneous acts were maybe not so much spontaneous cos I knew they were safe. More or less. I dont like not knowing where Im going, what will happen; I dont like the big grey fuzzy mist ahead.
Calculated spontaniety. Theres an oxymoron if you ever saw one.