Another day.. another update.
Im back from a rather costly shopping expedition from kl.. and im sitting at home.. alone..half bored to death. And it hits me. The loneliness. The feeling of sitting alone, of being alone, of having nothing to do. The feeling of missing someone so badly, but theres nothing you can do about it. That shitty feeling of having to just sit and wait. Damn i hate that feeling.
And it does NOT help that its raining, i have no car, i have no money and my phone is barred. *sigh*
I miss you. Not nearly enough time. Never enough time..
3rd August 2004
I don’t understand. I still don’t get it.
11th July 2004, 1942 – Back to School
Its Sunday already. All too fast the weekend is already over, and its time to go back. Back to Nibong Tebal, where theres nothing to do. Back to the hostel room which I have to share with another 3 people. No more hot water showers, no more gym, no more McDonalds, no more car, and most importantly no more friends. Not like what I have here. But somehow, it doesn’t seem that bad this time.
I don’t want to go back, but its not the end of the world.
Ive had a good weekend, though a better part of it was spent in the gym. But i had a good time. Nights out, plenty of starbucks, plenty of good company.. Its not like we did anything super hip and happening, but it was a great weekend.
Im recharged and ready to go back.
Ready for another week of studies and walking around in the blazing sun.
And then I’ll be able to come back, have a little fun then head down south to see Jon.
It feels good.
6th July 2004, 1944 - And isnt it Ironic..
Why oh why does it always rain when I wash my clothes?
Curse the weather here. Bloody hot when im walking back from class yet rains while my clothes are outside drying.
And it would rain cats and dogs (think like the day after tomorrow kind of storm) when im on my way to class. The kind of rain where you hold and umbrella and stand under shelter and you still get soaked.
And it would be just after I washed my shoes and im wearing freshly washed jeans.
*sigh*
To save my shoes, I took em off and put them in my bag. Then walked all the way to class in the rain BAREFOOT. Bloody cold.
So I arrive to class late, do a grand total of TWO questions and walk all the way back in the rain.Its just not worth it.
Another example of irony on campus:
I rush back from class during lunchtime, settle in my room, eat, redo my assignment and gather a whole bag of clothes to go down to the launderette.
It takes a little longer than expected to complete everything, so by the time im headed down to the dobi, im running late. Anyways, I reach all the way there in the blazing sun to find out that ITS CLOSED.(curses on the dude who gave me the wrong time)
So once again, I run all the way back up to my room to deposit my huge bag of stinky clothes and rush all the way down to the lecture hall. Did I mention its one of those bitching hot days? I arrived there (late of course) just in time to here to lecturer announce that CLASS IS CANCELLED. Joy.
And to top it off, I overslept in the morning (my roomie had to wake me up) and I have no more water and the damn waterlife machine is spoilt.
Its like rain on your wedding day
Its a free ride when youve already paid
Its the good advice that you just didnt take
And who wouldve thought it figured?
30th June 2004, 0326
Its been a long time.
Im still in nibong tebal.
I wonder why it always ends up like this. I wonder why it even starts. I wonder why you give up, give in so easily.
It scares me.
That you can run away so quickly. That you can turn around so easily.
Because I cant.
I thought you’d be happy. That id be comin down, that wed be able to see each other one last time in penang, and you wouldn’t even have to move. You wouldnt have to drive so far, wake up so early, pay so much.
Of course you’d be the main reason I come back.
Just wanted to make one last trip down, while I still can.
It hurts when you snap at me.
I just wanted someone to talk to.
I wanted to talk to you.
Cos you make me feel better.
I don’t want to be miserable.
I don’t want to be depressed.
I don’t want to be alone.
Somewhere between 21st-25th June 2004, at night in DK1
Its true that you arent always around when I need you. I hate this feeling. I hate being alone with nothing to do in a place im not familiar with. And you cant make yourself available. Not even for a teeny weeny while. Just a message. Not even five minutes. That’s all im asking. But all the wishing and wanting in the world cant make anything change. Doesn’t make a difference. Feel so bloody alone. So lost. I don’t know where I fit in. Neither Chinese nor non Chinese. Stuck in the middle, in between everything.
Still no sound from you.
I should give up hoping, and hear from you some other day.
Who knows, tonight you’ll be busy packing for tomorrow.And tomorrow you’d already have left for Ipoh to have a good time. Whilst I sit here and you still don’t have time for me.
I hate thinking thoughts like this. But I cant help it. I gave up going to Singapore. I wish i could have just little bit of your time when I need you most.
I hate this.
I hate it when i think like this.
I want to go home. I don’t want to be a minority, I don’t want to be left behind. The people here are no substitute for a good conversation. I’m like a fish out of water. Im suffocating. Slowly dying. With not even this weekend to look forward to. And next weekend you wont be here anymore. Was i right when I said you’d get sick of driving up and down?
Maybe its just me, but I cant see anything here for me. Just a very long and lonely four years ahead. Id rather class start just so id have something to do and a reason to keep busy. If not then at least have my laptop with me so if I squat in my room all day it would be for a reason. Maybe I am being anti social but its hard to get a conversation going when you don’t have much in common. When you don’t speak the same language. When you are inferior.
This is something im not used to.
I hate not having any direction.
18th June 2004, 0008 – Orientation Week
Its my fourth day here, at USM engineering campus room 2253. Its also a Thursday night, 17th June which means tomorrow is Friday! Finally! An end to a very long week. I can finally go home, see my friends, eat good food, get some sleep and see Jon. Then I have to come back here all over again.
Classes haven’t started yet. And I have no idea what things will be like once they are. I see close to no similarities in the personality of my fellow classmates and me. (there are after all only eight girls doing pure mech and out of that only 4 chinese). About half of the population here is Chinese. And out of all of them, only a handful of us cant speak mandarin. Say less than 5%. I feel so inferior. I dont know how im gonna handle things here. I have apparently chosen one of the toughest courses – most units this sem. And looking around, everyone else is a high achiever. I doubt myself again.
I don’t know how im gonna settle down and find my own little gang. Im guessing that I’ll probably be hanging out mostly with the old 6AB dudes since most of the people here don’t speak English. I have to go and find some help. I was never close to Jesie, but im going to miss her once class starts. I have too heavy a schedule and we don’t share the same classes. I don’t know what ive gotten myself into this time.
Have bloody hostel orientation next week. Everyday till midnight. For a whole entire week. From morning till night on weekends. I cant go back. ? . I want to go back. I want to see Jon. I want to go back to something I’m familiar with. Where I can have a decent conversation.
Over here, if you’re a Chinese you have to be able to speak mandarin. I don’t fit in somehow. No Indian girls here either, so that doesn’t leave me with much. Its lonely. Only good thing is that im already used to doing things by myself. Then again, this is something new. Somewhere I’ve never bean before. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to go. I don’t know if I can handle it.
I miss my old life.
It doesn’t hit you that bad during orientation cos youre kept busy, being ferried from one place to another after another. Its when you sit here by yourself alone it sneaks up on you. And you realise how utterly alone and cut off from everything you are.
Which is why sometimes at night I try to drag things on so by the time im done it’ll be late and I’ll be so tired I’ll just collapse into bed. Saves a lot of tossing and turning.
*I miss you. I miss the familiarity.
I want to go home*
11th June 2004, 0434
I have made my choice. And I feel good, now I finally made a decision. I don’t know if it’s the wisest thing to do. I don’t know if I might regret it in the future. But its something I’ll have to risk.
Three days in tears is more than enough. I don’t want to go.
I know I should, but I don’t want to.
For the moment, I know I’d be happier here. Im not ready to go that far, im not ready to let go. Im not willing to risk everything I have here, for something im not sure of there.
I don’t know if I can take a six day week of studies. I don’t know if I can cope with the workload. I don’t want to go there and feel like im never good enough, its bad enough over here without having to compete with the crème of the crop. I know I cant afford to live there, I know I wont be able to enjoy the lifestyle im used to. I know that theres a give and take for everything. But I don’t know if im willing to give that much. To spend so much for a qualification and give my entire life to studying alone for four years. I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I can push myself so hard, for so long. I don’t want to go there, and sink into depression and have no one to turn to. Im not ready to go.
Just the thought of me going is enough to put me into tears. I have spent sleepless nights since the arrival of that damn offer letter. And if its that bad here, who knows what might happen when I go. I know deep down I don’t want to leave. Im happy here, with the comfort and security. I know that im not alone, I have the assurance I can come home, I have the assurance that I know people on campus. It might not be the best campus around, but its good enough.
I just don’t know what to tell my mother. I don’t want to disappoint her, I know she wants me to go. But I don’t want to. I feel that my happiness is more important than the paper. Im here on scholarship, I have a job waiting for me when I come out. and I know if im unhappy in NUS, there is no way I will be able to perform. And I will have no one to turn to.
Im a social animal, I need people. I like to go out, I like to have fun.
Im not willing to give up that much. And even if I do, theres no guarantee that I can score. That I will be able to graduate somewhere on top.
And id rather be on top in a class not so prestigious, than right at the bottom amongst the best.
I want my varsity life to be something to remember. Not merely four years of study.
Because theres more to life than just books.
I still will have qualifications. I still graduate with a degree. And as far as local unis go, USM is a pretty good place to be. Of course the location might suck, but you cant have everything.
I don’t know how to break it to my mother.
I know a lot of people are gonna call me stupid.
But its what I want to do.
11th June 2004, 01.30 – Decisions
I am not happy about going to USM instead of UM, where I originally intended to be. But I’ve decided to be optimistic about it and was already getting used to the idea. Its not that far away from home..the campus might suck and there might not be anything worth doing in Nibong Tebal but I still had the comfort of coming back (to what, im not sure). Jon would be back every once in a while…I know there will be classmates I know. I know I wont be alone, that I will at the very least have peoples brains to pick on, have people to eat lunch with, have people to walk with..
Then I get an offer to NUS. Somewhere I never even dreamed of going to. And it threw everything I had in mind into one big mess. I don’t know if I want to go. Its been a day and I still don’t know. Everything is here. Im not in a different state anymore, im in a different country.
And the time to make a decision is drawing closer.
Im scared.
I know that its one of the best Unis to go to. I know that the quality of education is way better, that the facilities offered far surpass what is offered in USM. But I still don’t know what to do.
Not only does it cost a bomb (just the tuition fees and accommodation and id be paying through my ass) but it is bloody far away from home. I cant go back. I wont be able to enjoy the fairly comfortable lifestyle I have here. I wont be able to go out all the time, I wont be able to play, I wont be able to see my friends. I wont be able to treat myself to lifes little luxuries, I wont be able to shop, to splurge on food. I wont be able to see Jon. That hurts the most.
Im scared. Im scared I cant cope, I cant handle it. The past few years of my life, ive always had someone to help me. Someone to explain to me what I don’t know, what I cant understand. And there wont be anyone there. I don’t know if I can handle the distance. I need him. I need the reassurance that he’ll be there, that I have someone to turn to, a voice to comfort me. Theres no way I can expect him to come and see me. And I don’t know how often I can see him. A bus from Singapore to KL is like 4, 5 hours? So staying there on budget, maybe once a month?
Its not going to be easy studying there. The competition is intense, I don’t know if I can keep up. I don’t know if im good enough. I don’t know if I can fit in. I can admit, im lazy. I like to play, I like to have a good time. I don’t know if I can handle four years there. Four years is a long time. I don’t know a lot of things.
I don’t know if I’ll end up regretting if I go, or end up regretting if I don’t go.
I don’t know what to do. Heck I don’t even know if I should be even doing engineering. Already im homesick thinking of leaving. I never planned to go. I never even gave it a second thought. But now….i don’t know…..i know my mother wants me to go…I know that I have been given an opportunity that many didn’t get. But I don’t know of I’ll be happy there. Or whether I’ll have to struggle through my term there.
I really don’t know if I can handle it.
And I still don’t know what to do.
7th June 2004 1531 - DUmb Blondes?
I have come to the conclusion that the longer youre on holiday, the more your brain shrinks. And i have my buddy Chai to thank for that. Chai, the studious, responsible, down to earth girl whom with i once used to cycle around the neighbourhood.
We were out in the open air. And it started to drizzle.
The first words out of her mouth :
"Oh no! Im not wearing waterproof mascara!"
Then she runs to the shade trying to cover - get this her EYELASHES
By the way, we were at a barbeque....
