Grey Matter

Self titled. I am confused.

I generally live in randomness, just following the wind. I dont't like to think too much about how or when or why. Because this is what happens when I do - I get confused.

Within and without, I don't know what to do nor what I want. What I could want, what I should want, what I do want. What I have, what I haven't. Should have, could have.

It gets confusing. Too many things for my small little head. The more things swirl around the more fuzzy it gets - its harder and harder to grasp onto something concrete. I did math and physics because numbers and formulas make sense. I can daydream but I dont do abstract.

Am I being selfish? Am I making the right decisions, choosing the right path?
Do I get scared for the right reasons or am I just scared for the wrong ones.

Ahhh dammit. I need a Dr Phil.

Day by Day

Dammit. I had a post and it dissapeared. Again.

Hmm.
[ internal sensor, one paragraph deleted ]

I'm still here, on the rig. I'm glad I like the sea. Up on the deck, good weather, watching the sunset... Watching the seagulls spread their wings and just glide on the air currents. Man, I wish I could do that.

Just fly and be free. To go wherever ... whenever ... effortlessly. And to drop back into the water to float around.

Just follow the wind. Go where it takes you.

Am I starting to sound like a complete nutter yet?
I always wanted to fly. I tried the Alice in Wonderland way, the Mary Poppins way, the Peter Pan way. All failed me.

I was told that my wings are there, right behind me. . . And that I was meant to reach the skies.

Thank you for your faith in me.

Oh, I'm trying to figure out what animal I'd be if I was one. Any ideas?

Crawling

Twelve to twelve. Day shift. I am thankful its not night.

Tired.

Still on standby, meaning we just pretty much keep an eye on things at the moment. Run out for a bit when we need to. Otherwise, just sit in the cabin and keep out of the way.

Anyway, the seasoned people here came prepared - books and movies.

I have one miserable book I dragged from home all the way to Doha, to Paris, back to Doha and now to the rig. I think I've memorised it by now.

No movies, dont have enough space in my HD to put them in (damn i need a new one). Same goes for music. I only have whats in my sad sad 4Gb Ipod (damn, need to get a bigger one).

All I have is my measly Sudoku book.

Man, Im sleepy. Just a momentary break to do something useless before I fall asleep. Waiting for midnight, handover shift, grab a snack, take a hot shower and jump into bed.

Roughly one and a half more hours to go. Time always crawls when you need it to fly.

Naked.

I feel naked.

Yeah.

For the first time since I can remember Im not wearing any jewellery. At all.

No earrings. No necklace.

So bare !

Im on the rig. So far so good... its giving me a bit of a heacache though. Me and Farah are the only two girls in this whole place.

Cross fingers, hope this job will be a good one for me.

Have wings, will fly.

Thank you.

Jump

Hmmmm.
Its been a quiet day. As usual. I'm rambling in my head, but i cant put anything down on paper.

Or on the screen, if i want to be more precise. But who cares anyway.

Hmmm.....

Yeah ..

Haha. I just completed a sentance in my head.

Im heading off to the rig tomorrow. I wonder whats in store for me. I cant say I'm not apprehensive, it being my first time and all ... but yeah .. up for the challenge, its time to step up and fly. Can I do it ?

Only one way to find out. Take a deep breathe and jump :)
Even if you're falling .... you still fly, if only for a while.

Just a little bit more focused and it would have been perfect

Sometimes, the rush you get from jumping is worth facing the fear.

All at once

Its been a while.
More than two weeks, I would imagine. Not that I'm keeping count. But yeah .. its been a while.

So much has changed in so short a time. I've left Europe behind me, left behind two and a halfs months of dreaming and dropped back in reality to Doha with a hard, hard thud. Ouch.

Fly high, fall hard, but better than not flying at all, right?

Anyone wants to tell me my photography skills have improved?

We all have to get back to work some day. Nothing much to say at the moment .. Gathering my pics (which happen to be on the other lappie right now - sorry Terri, I know I still owe you one) to post of a little photojournal of my time there.

Words can't describe it. And I'm too lazy to write in detail, so pictures will have to suffice.

Oh well.. Back in Doha and unmotivated (same phone number, call me!!). Trying to pull together the nerve to step back into my boots and coveralls and back to the base. Its hard, having to start over; with noone to watch my back.

I will miss the other trainees dearly. And a little envious if truth be told that they got to end up in the same location together. But I will not whinge. I will count my blessings instead. I will not even say I will try not to whinge.

Someone told me that saying try is a sign of weakness.

I will keep my chin up. No fear. Time to fly solo. I don't think I'm ready but I have to jump anyway.

" All at once,
The world can overwhelm me
There's almost nothin' that you could tell me
That could ease my mind

Which way will you run
When it's always all around you
And the feelin' lost and found you again
A feelin' that we have no control
Around the sun
Some say
There's gonna be the new hell
Some say
It's still too early to tell
Some say

It really ain't no myth at all "

Jack Johnson

Empty

Its a rainy rainy Wednesday morning.

Im sitting here in semi darkness and im sleepy !

Or hungry. Maybe both. Its cold today.

I have recently rediscovered Michael Jackson (bored surfing youtube) and damn ! I just realised how wickedly awesome he is/was (?).

Whatever. Its a rainy Wednesday morning, Im sitting here cold in semi darkness and its depressing.

I need to get started on my packing soon. I hate packing. Makes everything seem so final. Time to pack up, uproot and transplant. To move on, go somewhere new. This nomadic life is hard to adjust to. As soon as you start getting comfortable its time to move on, yet again. Not a life to settle, to collect personal possesions and momentos. And I'm such a nester. Its hard.

Bah. Ignore me. Blame it on the rain.

Im hungry.

I was gonna post up pics since I havent updated for a while ... But I just realised that I cant do it from here; the network wont let me. Oh well.

Ummm .. Barack Obama won the election. I guess this year is indeed a time for change.

I wonder what other changes are to come. Two more months till the end 2008. Plenty of time for things to happen.

I miss you all.