HATE

You ever had the feeling of utter self hate? The feeling where you could repeatedly shoot yourself, wondering how on earth you could have done something so damn stupid? The times when you just sit there and wonder why you let something happen, why you didnt do anything about it. The feeling where you hate what you are, what you did, what you didnt do.

I vividly remember that feeling. Back in sisxth form when i screwed up. Back in secondary school where i let myself fall into a trap. Back to primary six where i let myself be blamed for something i didnt do. Primary three where i did/said something i wished so much i didnt (i can still remember the exact place, time, everything). Seven years old, i got bit by a dog. Heck im gonna stop thinking now, or i'll go all the way till i was three and in the process turn srtak raving mad.

The thoughts dont come often though.
Maybe once in a while, where it hits me at the oddest times. And not all thoughts at on go. Mostly the relevant things. Or the more recent ones. But not always. It hits me when im driving. When im studying. When im taking a bath. When im doing absolutely nothing. It hits me hard, makes me lose focus from what im doing, makes my mind go somewhere i really dont want to go. I hate this feeling.

But for the better part, i have everything neatly put in little boxes and stored away in the darkest, most unreachable recesses of my mind so i dont have to think about it. Dont have to be haunted by it. And if i try hard enough, maybe i can forget. But i cant. It always comes back. In hindsight though, maybe it isant such a good thing to stuff everything away and not think. But i dont know what else to do (hey its not like i can change the past). Push everything away, forget and get on with life. Till the shit thoughts come back again. And i dont know what to do.

And i sit there, and think of all the things i did wrong and all the things i should have done, should have said. I imagine out more ideal ending to everything, then i sit an feel like a complete failure once again. Do i really let myself get pused around that easily? Am i just lying to myself when i think i can handle myself? What am i supposed to do? How can i keep everybody happy?
I could so easily push to the back of my head all the shit that happened barely six months ago. How much more have i managed to forget? Am i Being a total complete fool? Am i that useless? Am i that weak? Should i have said that, done that, thought that? Am i not as in control as i thought i was?

I had forgetten about the past. But it always comes back to haunt me, engulfing me in waves of shame and guilt. I forget too easilt. Truat too easily. Forgive too easily. Hurt too easily.

I wish i wasnt me.