Musings...

Ive been blogging for quite some time now.. from my previous blog on tripod which i still update every now and then and this one.. still i have yet to let many people know exactly where on the WWW my little blogs are hiding. They know it exists.... but they dont know where. And its kinda stupid, come to think about it.. why have a blog and hide it all to yourself?

Which comes to why i sat down and thought about it. Then the little lightbulb came on and i think i have found the answer...

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of being judged. Im afraid of what people may think if they see what a mess i'm in. Im afraid people will think less of me, or judge me, my thoughts and my every move based on my ramblings in here. Im afraid what i say might cause conflict and make things even worse for me. So yea... basically im just a big pile of chickenshit.
I dont want to walk around paranoid, thinking that people are saying things behind my back (i do that already, thank you very much). I dont want to show anything less than perfection to anyone else. And if you read my thought... its pretty obvious i'm far from perfect.I HAVE TO BE PERFECT.I HAVE ISSUES. Which brings me to another point - WHY DO I PUSH MYSELF SO HARD? I have this sick need to be perfect. To show the world im perfect. That im in control of myself, my thoghts, what i do. That im happy, i have everything. The need to constantly work out, to lose or at least mantain my weight/shape/whatever. To be able to do fairly well in everything (if someone else can do it, so can i). To be able to live up to other peoples expectations (its bad enough i diasappoint myself, it feels worse to dissapoint others). Its a stressful way of seeing things. I think real hard each time i put somthing into my mouth. I stay up to complete my work because i have never felt i was up to date. I push myself because everyone else seems to understand while I BLOODY DONT.I CANT SEEM TO LET GO. Sometimes i really hate myself.

I still want to open a bakery.