NUMB

I think I think too much. Oh god I wish I were clueless. I wish i didnt read so much into tiny little things, from the way he answers the phone, from messages, even to the way things are typed onto msn ( yes, you can tell if someone is typing then speculate on that ). Hate wondering whether or not i get a call, whether or not i'll be doing anything. Hate havin to give myself reasons. I hate non visual converations.

Ever know what its like to feel nothing? Completley numb. Like you've been submerged too long in a block of ice. Like you have no soul, just a shell walking aimlessly. Like you just dont feel. Things arent like colours on a sharp SXVGA LCD screen. Its like an endless mess of greys and greens and browns, blurred together on one canvas. Numb is when you havent slept in a while but you aint tired. When you havent eaten but you just dont feel hungry. Where you wonder if throwing yourself in front of a bus could hurt. And whether you could die, or end up in hospital with attentive people by your side. When you dont give a shit if anyone comes for your funeral, when you dont give a shit if you live or die, when youre not on a 64 tone polyphonic, but on a somethin worse than a standard monotone - the 'ring ring' tone.

I guess being numb is when you just dont care anymore.