Todays Lesson

I learnt something new today : Its okay to want to sit at home in my jammies with a fluffy pillow and a pile of movies. It okay to NOT want to go out, its okay to want to wallow in my own little coccoon and do ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING.

Arent i a smart girl ..

Terri is pissed at me. She aint talking to me, wont even look at me (i had other people tell me this). And guess what - Im past the point of caring. Im tired of all this.

HATE

You ever had the feeling of utter self hate? The feeling where you could repeatedly shoot yourself, wondering how on earth you could have done something so damn stupid? The times when you just sit there and wonder why you let something happen, why you didnt do anything about it. The feeling where you hate what you are, what you did, what you didnt do.

I vividly remember that feeling. Back in sisxth form when i screwed up. Back in secondary school where i let myself fall into a trap. Back to primary six where i let myself be blamed for something i didnt do. Primary three where i did/said something i wished so much i didnt (i can still remember the exact place, time, everything). Seven years old, i got bit by a dog. Heck im gonna stop thinking now, or i'll go all the way till i was three and in the process turn srtak raving mad.

The thoughts dont come often though.
Maybe once in a while, where it hits me at the oddest times. And not all thoughts at on go. Mostly the relevant things. Or the more recent ones. But not always. It hits me when im driving. When im studying. When im taking a bath. When im doing absolutely nothing. It hits me hard, makes me lose focus from what im doing, makes my mind go somewhere i really dont want to go. I hate this feeling.

But for the better part, i have everything neatly put in little boxes and stored away in the darkest, most unreachable recesses of my mind so i dont have to think about it. Dont have to be haunted by it. And if i try hard enough, maybe i can forget. But i cant. It always comes back. In hindsight though, maybe it isant such a good thing to stuff everything away and not think. But i dont know what else to do (hey its not like i can change the past). Push everything away, forget and get on with life. Till the shit thoughts come back again. And i dont know what to do.

And i sit there, and think of all the things i did wrong and all the things i should have done, should have said. I imagine out more ideal ending to everything, then i sit an feel like a complete failure once again. Do i really let myself get pused around that easily? Am i just lying to myself when i think i can handle myself? What am i supposed to do? How can i keep everybody happy?
I could so easily push to the back of my head all the shit that happened barely six months ago. How much more have i managed to forget? Am i Being a total complete fool? Am i that useless? Am i that weak? Should i have said that, done that, thought that? Am i not as in control as i thought i was?

I had forgetten about the past. But it always comes back to haunt me, engulfing me in waves of shame and guilt. I forget too easilt. Truat too easily. Forgive too easily. Hurt too easily.

I wish i wasnt me.

*sigh*

I wonder..whether its worse to be pushed around and not know it, or to be pushed around and know it but deal with it, or to be a loner and therefore not get pushed around at all..

I think i sort of end up in the second category but only when it comes to *ahem* certain people. I end up just tagging along and following cos it the easiest way out. Spares me the headache of having to to the whole quarrel-apolgize thing though i must admit my tolerance level is getting low and i do a lot less of saying sorry. It saves me the hassle of trying to concoct a believable story so that the full blown wrath of an over-possesive friend will not end up directed at me, nor anyone else i know. Im not being mean or anything, but hasnt anyone of you ever done anything like that?? Better to say i'm out with my mom then to say i'm going out for a movie with someone you know but its not with you. But it is incredibly stressful. Having to juggle time, having to think about what i do, where i go, what i eat bla bla bla... And it sucks having to drag yourself out when i dont want to go. It sucks i cant even really talk to my own boy when she's around. It sucks then none of us 'attached poeople' can even talk about our other half without getting black stares. (Trust me, we've all gone through the same situation} It sucks that i sometimes cant do things by my own bloody self. And it hard, that the closer you are to her, the clingier she gets. The whole friends forever thing. The whole resistance to change.

So i sit and wonder to myself : Why do i let it happen? Heck why do we ALL let it happen? Because i know jolly well that its not just me that ends up in such tight corners. And i guess its cos, overlooking all that, she does have good qualities.(can i sense someone rolling his eyes?) She can be fun to hang out with, she has been around for me in certain situations, she cares..too much sometimes.... or is it all a figment of my imagination? Is this the give and take in each friendship or am i once again being a pushover? We all make excuses and tell each other 'she's just like that'. So do we continue to make excuses and tell ourselves she's difficult, tell ourselves its just a phase that will pass?? Do we tell ourselves it is because she has self esteem issues and do nothing about it?? Oh man.

I thought the whole point of being on holiday was to NOT think.
Come to think of it, i think i've deviated from what i started out to say...

Confused??

I was digging through the mountain of junk in my room when i came across this : 'A Handy Hint for ensuring success in finding the right job for yourself' which went something like this ...

Place yourseld in a room with only a table and two chairs. Stay there alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, think back and reflect on what you were doing

1. If you have taken the table apart in that time, put yourself in Engineering

2. If you are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign yourself to Finance

3. If you are screaming and waving your arms, send yourself to Manufacturing

4. If you are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for yourself.

5. If you are feeling sleepy, you are Management material

6. If you don't even look up when someone enters the roon, assign yourself to Security

7. If you try to tell yourself its not as bad as it looks, send yourself to Marketing

8. And if you've left early, put yourself in Sales

Im not too sure where i fit in... There doesnt seem to be a space for special people like me.. I'm doomed...

Till Death do Us Part

Here's a question : What is the point of marriage?
With so many couples cohabiting nowadays, really..why do people get married? I took this question out and asked a couple of guys... Its odd how men think.This is what i ended up with:

1)To have kids. (hello? Are your wives supposed to be baby making machines or something?)

2)To legalize sex - most people came up with this one (With the amount of couples having premarital sex i dont think its really that big an issue...but hey..if you like it legal..why not huh?)

3)I dont know.. (I guess i'll have to ask again in 4 years time)

5)So we're tied together and my wife cant run off (makes slightly more sense but it would sound better as 'to profess our love for each other' but oh well...chinese men...)

5)Because im supposed to (i feel a little sad for your wife .. )

6)So someone can take care of the house and clothes and food....someone to 'uruskan perkara rumahtangga' (now i feel really sad for your wife)

6)The sweetest one of all .. and the one that made the most sense : "I would marry her because i love her and i want to take care of her forever" (awww....girls, go look for Benny..

Musings...

Ive been blogging for quite some time now.. from my previous blog on tripod which i still update every now and then and this one.. still i have yet to let many people know exactly where on the WWW my little blogs are hiding. They know it exists.... but they dont know where. And its kinda stupid, come to think about it.. why have a blog and hide it all to yourself?

Which comes to why i sat down and thought about it. Then the little lightbulb came on and i think i have found the answer...

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of being judged. Im afraid of what people may think if they see what a mess i'm in. Im afraid people will think less of me, or judge me, my thoughts and my every move based on my ramblings in here. Im afraid what i say might cause conflict and make things even worse for me. So yea... basically im just a big pile of chickenshit.
I dont want to walk around paranoid, thinking that people are saying things behind my back (i do that already, thank you very much). I dont want to show anything less than perfection to anyone else. And if you read my thought... its pretty obvious i'm far from perfect.I HAVE TO BE PERFECT.I HAVE ISSUES. Which brings me to another point - WHY DO I PUSH MYSELF SO HARD? I have this sick need to be perfect. To show the world im perfect. That im in control of myself, my thoghts, what i do. That im happy, i have everything. The need to constantly work out, to lose or at least mantain my weight/shape/whatever. To be able to do fairly well in everything (if someone else can do it, so can i). To be able to live up to other peoples expectations (its bad enough i diasappoint myself, it feels worse to dissapoint others). Its a stressful way of seeing things. I think real hard each time i put somthing into my mouth. I stay up to complete my work because i have never felt i was up to date. I push myself because everyone else seems to understand while I BLOODY DONT.I CANT SEEM TO LET GO. Sometimes i really hate myself.

I still want to open a bakery.

Another day, another entry..

Jit Shiong is back. Yup..the tall dude with big feet and tight scout pants (it happens when the uniforms only come in a certain size).
We went for dinner today, he, terri and i. The usual lets-meet-up-after not seeing each-other-for-so-long kinda thing. Being the dude he is, im not surprised if there are i quote 'crazy girls' going after him. But he managed to capture the heart of get this a two year old girl!
We were havin dinner at Sem Ali (i had a craving for maggi goreng ayam tambah telur atas) when this tiny little girl (im guessing its the stalls owners kid) kinda sidled up to him and stared at him. Then came closer. And closer. And tried to climb onto his lap. (all the while she pretty much ignored terri and i) Then she stares adoringly into his face then runs off. And repeats the whole process again. And when it came time for us to leave (actually our dinner was cut short cos he was being overrun by kids) she clung onto his leg and literally just hung there. It was the funniest thing, watching this big tall guy try to figure out how to prise a small chubby girl of his leg, and keep her from running after him. This is what you call a girl magnet.
I'm glad he's back though.. That makes it three now. And Vila and Jooi Hong will be back come 23rd this month. I havent seen her in ages... Its been five days since i came back. And so far the days have been pretty much filled up with meals (oh man im getting FAT), movies and gym (Thanks to Michelle for feeding me:)). And im looking forward to meeting up with everyone else after so long, Yi Wenn especially...okay....im babbling again....oh well...babble away....

Please Help me..

Please help me.
Please stop smoking. At least try to cut down. TRY. Noone can make if you if you dont want to but i really hope you will. You've promised me countless times. Yet i still cant do anything. Of the things i dont like you to do, this is the one that curently concerns me the most.
Please take care of yourself. You're not invincible, you cant handle everything. Accidents happen. No matter how safe you think you may drive. Or how logical your thoughts may be.
Please get enough sleep. At relatively normal hours. Catnapping does not make up for the sleep you lose. You know that as well as i. It damages you. Not just now but permanently.
Just listen to me, dont argue over this. I dont want to fight. It doenst hurt just you when you do these things. It hurts me too..

I love you too much..please..will you help me?

It is Alive!!!!!!

FINALLY!!
The GOddess has returned!!
Yup..the semester is over, My finals are done for (literally) and im back. But i refuse tho think about those papers and ruin my holidays. I AM FREE!!. Back where there is good food. Back to where people speak english. Back to where people generally know what im talking about. Back to having my own room. And hot water. Back to havin internet access. Back to a place where i somehow belong. And i dont get that empty feelin anymore. Back to where i can sleep and wake whatever time i like..
ahhhh... pure bliss...Maybe now my eye bags will dissapear.. And i can get rid of that horrible stressful feelings that have accumulated during the past month or so.
Now theres only one thing im missing.. missing so so much. Like a little ache that never goes away.. Im not complete yet. Truthfully speaking though, it hasnt been all that bad. A person can get used to anything.... and finally, im getting used to it.. :) Yes, i do have bouts of depression every now and then (sorry baby). Especially with finals coming up.. and i get that feeling that i'll never be good enough. That i'll never live up to expectations. That i'll be a failure. But hey!Im mostly quite okay...really... Now....should i get myself a little critter to keep myself company for next sem??? Hmmmmm...

News Flash : Terri has coloured her hair red. I've had a thought. Im literally the only girl with purely virgin hair.
Note : Love you baby..think of Langkawi..

Well, this babe is outta here ... its time to keep myself busy.
Muaks!

A recent Update
A BITCH - 16th OCT 2004 0203

Why do i get this feeling that i always take back seat to everything? That you're too busy, that i have to be squeezed in amongst the many things you have to do seem to precede over me? Only call on your time. When you're free. And for some reason i'm always free. If i go out, i try to be available for your call. I try to make as much time as possible for you. You want to call me in the middle of the night, it doesnt matter. I get this feeling that i always end up sitting and waiting. Like its been so long you've become familiar with the whole routine.
It still matters. I still need attention. I still need to feel special. That im loved. That i matter.
I CANT BLOODY HELP IT.
ITS THE DAMN DISTANCE.

A Sleepless Night - 21st Sept 2004 0229

Oh God.
Heres something i never thought i'd come across stayin on campus - my roomie SNORES And i dont mean little small cute snores. Its loud and clear. So loud its kept me up for the past couple of hours. And i have an eight o clock morning class.. Seriously wondering if i should go over and poke her sides so she'd turn over .... Im a light sleeper.. And if she dont stop anytime soon, i aint getting much sleep tonight...
Oh hell.....

Im Lost

Out of the many things in this lifetime that i fear, one of the most prominent fear in my life is if being lost. Maybe its some psychological thing left over from my childhood (you know, geting lost in shopping complexes) but yea.. im scared of being lost. Not just lost as in i dont know how to get somewhere kind of lost. The lost where you dont know whats going on, you dont know what to do, you dont know where to go. You dont know why, you dont know how. And you cant do shit about it. The feeling that you, your life and everything surrounding you in just spinning out of control. You cant get where you want to go. You cant find who you want to find. You cant get to your safe place. And all you can do it sit there like an idiot, go round in circles and watch everything whizz by you. Which might explain my obsessive need to always be doing something. To keep busy. Even when i dont know what to do i at least fake it and look like im doing something.
Makes me feel less stupid somehow

Millipede Murder

Have i ever mentioned the millipedes un my uni?? Well, the place is crawling with em, dont ask me why..ranging from small to big, from the cute little black and yellow ones to the wormy red ones.
Neway, having nothing much better to do standing around in the foyer sometimes, i stare at em. Know what? Theyre actually pretty cute. Really. And since then, i have developed a strange fascination with the little critters. (you know they cant walk straight??)

I AM A MURDERER.
I stepped on one yesterday. In the corridor. On the way to the CAD/CAM lab. (this is what happens when you talk to much and dont look at the ground when you walk) I didnt see it and i stepped on its side. I literally heard/felt it go crunch

Murder of the first degree. Oh the guilt.......im a murderer......
May the soul of the little millipede (do millipedes have souls?) rest in peace

Happy Happy..

Its yet another day. And yet another entry. But today, its gonna focus on feeling good. And being happy :) . Someone commented on how depressed i seem to be in most of my entries. SO today im gonna try something different. Here goes..

I had ice cream today. Two scoops of Baskin Robbins. (the flavour of the month is pretty good). Im happy :) See.. its not that hard to make me happy ..

On another note..talked to Vila today. Seems like she's having a blast im UM. Down to mid Valley everyday..out every night until the wee hours of the morning. Which makes me wonder how on earth she manages to have so much free time.. must be the whole lit course thingy. Also makes me wonder though..how i would have turned up if i was there with her...The world is full of what ifs. Which im NOT going to think about. Cos the aim of this whole entry is not to think and just be happy. im going to focus on my ice cream. Hmmmmm..........

~Sayang i love you~

Another short note : Thanks Tze Lin..

The thought of A Thought of A thought..

I hate thinking. I hate thoughts. Especially the ones that sneak up on you, at the most unpropriate times. Cos these thoughts are generally the most unpleasant ones. Truthfully, i dont really see the point of sitting there/lying there with the same damn thoughts running over and over in your head. When theres not a damn thing to be done about the situation anyway. Except further worsen should you choose to open your gap. Really.. such a waste of time...such a waste of emotion. Cos some to think of it, its not like nice, happy thoughts keep you awake at night. Its those dark, evil ones that keep you up. That raise your blood pressure. How i wish i didnt have any.

I dont see the point of playing mind games, sneaking into other peoples head, messing with their thoughts. Maybe im too naive, obviously i will never become a politician. So sue me. I just cant. Not good at it, never will be. Dont know if its a blessing or a curse but its what im stuck with. Maybe in ten years time i wouldve become old and cynical to join in with the rest of the rat pack but right now, im lost.

I hate it when im not heard, when what i say falls on deaf ears, or even worse, is met with total ridicule. One cannot know anything, im entitled to a thought. To my opinion. To my logic.
Just because people dont see things the way you want them to doesnt mean they dont see it at all.

Q: Whats the use of shooting down everything i say, of disbelieving me even before the words are out of my mouth?
A: Nothing
Q: What the use of critisising me, of laughing at me, when im saying something that i mean?
A: Nothing
Q: Whats the use of not believing me when i say i cant? (I am human, i am vulnerable. I cant do everything. I have many weaknesses. The last thing i need if to get everything shoved into my face. Do i have to fall all the way down before you listen)
A: Nothing

There is nothing to be gained from this at all. The more shit gets spat back at you, the less i eventually will have to say.

One day i will finally learn. And be silent.

Rainy Day

Another day.. another update.
Im back from a rather costly shopping expedition from kl.. and im sitting at home.. alone..half bored to death. And it hits me. The loneliness. The feeling of sitting alone, of being alone, of having nothing to do. The feeling of missing someone so badly, but theres nothing you can do about it. That shitty feeling of having to just sit and wait. Damn i hate that feeling.
And it does NOT help that its raining, i have no car, i have no money and my phone is barred. *sigh*

I miss you. Not nearly enough time. Never enough time..

3rd August 2004

I don’t understand. I still don’t get it.

11th July 2004, 1942 – Back to School

Its Sunday already. All too fast the weekend is already over, and its time to go back. Back to Nibong Tebal, where theres nothing to do. Back to the hostel room which I have to share with another 3 people. No more hot water showers, no more gym, no more McDonalds, no more car, and most importantly no more friends. Not like what I have here. But somehow, it doesn’t seem that bad this time.

I don’t want to go back, but its not the end of the world.

Ive had a good weekend, though a better part of it was spent in the gym. But i had a good time. Nights out, plenty of starbucks, plenty of good company.. Its not like we did anything super hip and happening, but it was a great weekend.

Im recharged and ready to go back.
Ready for another week of studies and walking around in the blazing sun.
And then I’ll be able to come back, have a little fun then head down south to see Jon.

It feels good.

6th July 2004, 1944 - And isnt it Ironic..

Why oh why does it always rain when I wash my clothes?

Curse the weather here. Bloody hot when im walking back from class yet rains while my clothes are outside drying. And it would rain cats and dogs (think like the day after tomorrow kind of storm) when im on my way to class. The kind of rain where you hold and umbrella and stand under shelter and you still get soaked. And it would be just after I washed my shoes and im wearing freshly washed jeans.

*sigh*

To save my shoes, I took em off and put them in my bag. Then walked all the way to class in the rain BAREFOOT. Bloody cold.
So I arrive to class late, do a grand total of TWO questions and walk all the way back in the rain.Its just not worth it.

Another example of irony on campus:

I rush back from class during lunchtime, settle in my room, eat, redo my assignment and gather a whole bag of clothes to go down to the launderette.
It takes a little longer than expected to complete everything, so by the time im headed down to the dobi, im running late. Anyways, I reach all the way there in the blazing sun to find out that ITS CLOSED.(curses on the dude who gave me the wrong time)
So once again, I run all the way back up to my room to deposit my huge bag of stinky clothes and rush all the way down to the lecture hall. Did I mention its one of those bitching hot days? I arrived there (late of course) just in time to here to lecturer announce that CLASS IS CANCELLED. Joy. And to top it off, I overslept in the morning (my roomie had to wake me up) and I have no more water and the damn waterlife machine is spoilt.

Its like rain on your wedding day
Its a free ride when youve already paid
Its the good advice that you just didnt take
And who wouldve thought it figured?

30th June 2004, 0326

Its been a long time.
Im still in nibong tebal.

I wonder why it always ends up like this. I wonder why it even starts. I wonder why you give up, give in so easily.

It scares me.
That you can run away so quickly. That you can turn around so easily.

Because I cant.

I thought you’d be happy. That id be comin down, that wed be able to see each other one last time in penang, and you wouldn’t even have to move. You wouldnt have to drive so far, wake up so early, pay so much. Of course you’d be the main reason I come back. Just wanted to make one last trip down, while I still can.

It hurts when you snap at me.
I just wanted someone to talk to.
I wanted to talk to you.
Cos you make me feel better.

I don’t want to be miserable.
I don’t want to be depressed.
I don’t want to be alone.

Somewhere between 21st-25th June 2004, at night in DK1

Its true that you arent always around when I need you. I hate this feeling. I hate being alone with nothing to do in a place im not familiar with. And you cant make yourself available. Not even for a teeny weeny while. Just a message. Not even five minutes. That’s all im asking. But all the wishing and wanting in the world cant make anything change. Doesn’t make a difference. Feel so bloody alone. So lost. I don’t know where I fit in. Neither Chinese nor non Chinese. Stuck in the middle, in between everything.

Still no sound from you.
I should give up hoping, and hear from you some other day.
Who knows, tonight you’ll be busy packing for tomorrow.And tomorrow you’d already have left for Ipoh to have a good time. Whilst I sit here and you still don’t have time for me.

I hate thinking thoughts like this. But I cant help it. I gave up going to Singapore. I wish i could have just little bit of your time when I need you most.

I hate this.
I hate it when i think like this.
I want to go home. I don’t want to be a minority, I don’t want to be left behind. The people here are no substitute for a good conversation. I’m like a fish out of water. Im suffocating. Slowly dying. With not even this weekend to look forward to. And next weekend you wont be here anymore. Was i right when I said you’d get sick of driving up and down?

Maybe its just me, but I cant see anything here for me. Just a very long and lonely four years ahead. Id rather class start just so id have something to do and a reason to keep busy. If not then at least have my laptop with me so if I squat in my room all day it would be for a reason. Maybe I am being anti social but its hard to get a conversation going when you don’t have much in common. When you don’t speak the same language. When you are inferior.

This is something im not used to.
I hate not having any direction.

18th June 2004, 0008 – Orientation Week

Its my fourth day here, at USM engineering campus room 2253. Its also a Thursday night, 17th June which means tomorrow is Friday! Finally! An end to a very long week. I can finally go home, see my friends, eat good food, get some sleep and see Jon. Then I have to come back here all over again.

Classes haven’t started yet. And I have no idea what things will be like once they are. I see close to no similarities in the personality of my fellow classmates and me. (there are after all only eight girls doing pure mech and out of that only 4 chinese). About half of the population here is Chinese. And out of all of them, only a handful of us cant speak mandarin. Say less than 5%. I feel so inferior. I dont know how im gonna handle things here. I have apparently chosen one of the toughest courses – most units this sem. And looking around, everyone else is a high achiever. I doubt myself again.
I don’t know how im gonna settle down and find my own little gang. Im guessing that I’ll probably be hanging out mostly with the old 6AB dudes since most of the people here don’t speak English. I have to go and find some help. I was never close to Jesie, but im going to miss her once class starts. I have too heavy a schedule and we don’t share the same classes. I don’t know what ive gotten myself into this time.
Have bloody hostel orientation next week. Everyday till midnight. For a whole entire week. From morning till night on weekends. I cant go back. ? . I want to go back. I want to see Jon. I want to go back to something I’m familiar with. Where I can have a decent conversation.

Over here, if you’re a Chinese you have to be able to speak mandarin. I don’t fit in somehow. No Indian girls here either, so that doesn’t leave me with much. Its lonely. Only good thing is that im already used to doing things by myself. Then again, this is something new. Somewhere I’ve never bean before. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to go. I don’t know if I can handle it.

I miss my old life.

It doesn’t hit you that bad during orientation cos youre kept busy, being ferried from one place to another after another. Its when you sit here by yourself alone it sneaks up on you. And you realise how utterly alone and cut off from everything you are.
Which is why sometimes at night I try to drag things on so by the time im done it’ll be late and I’ll be so tired I’ll just collapse into bed. Saves a lot of tossing and turning.

*I miss you. I miss the familiarity.
I want to go home*

11th June 2004, 0434

I have made my choice. And I feel good, now I finally made a decision. I don’t know if it’s the wisest thing to do. I don’t know if I might regret it in the future. But its something I’ll have to risk.

Three days in tears is more than enough. I don’t want to go.
I know I should, but I don’t want to.
For the moment, I know I’d be happier here. Im not ready to go that far, im not ready to let go. Im not willing to risk everything I have here, for something im not sure of there.

I don’t know if I can take a six day week of studies. I don’t know if I can cope with the workload. I don’t want to go there and feel like im never good enough, its bad enough over here without having to compete with the crème of the crop. I know I cant afford to live there, I know I wont be able to enjoy the lifestyle im used to. I know that theres a give and take for everything. But I don’t know if im willing to give that much. To spend so much for a qualification and give my entire life to studying alone for four years. I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I can push myself so hard, for so long. I don’t want to go there, and sink into depression and have no one to turn to. Im not ready to go.

Just the thought of me going is enough to put me into tears. I have spent sleepless nights since the arrival of that damn offer letter. And if its that bad here, who knows what might happen when I go. I know deep down I don’t want to leave. Im happy here, with the comfort and security. I know that im not alone, I have the assurance I can come home, I have the assurance that I know people on campus. It might not be the best campus around, but its good enough.

I just don’t know what to tell my mother. I don’t want to disappoint her, I know she wants me to go. But I don’t want to. I feel that my happiness is more important than the paper. Im here on scholarship, I have a job waiting for me when I come out. and I know if im unhappy in NUS, there is no way I will be able to perform. And I will have no one to turn to.

Im a social animal, I need people. I like to go out, I like to have fun.
Im not willing to give up that much. And even if I do, theres no guarantee that I can score. That I will be able to graduate somewhere on top.
And id rather be on top in a class not so prestigious, than right at the bottom amongst the best.

I want my varsity life to be something to remember. Not merely four years of study.
Because theres more to life than just books.

I still will have qualifications. I still graduate with a degree. And as far as local unis go, USM is a pretty good place to be. Of course the location might suck, but you cant have everything.
I don’t know how to break it to my mother.
I know a lot of people are gonna call me stupid.
But its what I want to do.

11th June 2004, 01.30 – Decisions

I am not happy about going to USM instead of UM, where I originally intended to be. But I’ve decided to be optimistic about it and was already getting used to the idea. Its not that far away from home..the campus might suck and there might not be anything worth doing in Nibong Tebal but I still had the comfort of coming back (to what, im not sure). Jon would be back every once in a while…I know there will be classmates I know. I know I wont be alone, that I will at the very least have peoples brains to pick on, have people to eat lunch with, have people to walk with..

Then I get an offer to NUS. Somewhere I never even dreamed of going to. And it threw everything I had in mind into one big mess. I don’t know if I want to go. Its been a day and I still don’t know. Everything is here. Im not in a different state anymore, im in a different country.
And the time to make a decision is drawing closer.

Im scared.

I know that its one of the best Unis to go to. I know that the quality of education is way better, that the facilities offered far surpass what is offered in USM. But I still don’t know what to do.

Not only does it cost a bomb (just the tuition fees and accommodation and id be paying through my ass) but it is bloody far away from home. I cant go back. I wont be able to enjoy the fairly comfortable lifestyle I have here. I wont be able to go out all the time, I wont be able to play, I wont be able to see my friends. I wont be able to treat myself to lifes little luxuries, I wont be able to shop, to splurge on food. I wont be able to see Jon. That hurts the most.

Im scared. Im scared I cant cope, I cant handle it. The past few years of my life, ive always had someone to help me. Someone to explain to me what I don’t know, what I cant understand. And there wont be anyone there. I don’t know if I can handle the distance. I need him. I need the reassurance that he’ll be there, that I have someone to turn to, a voice to comfort me. Theres no way I can expect him to come and see me. And I don’t know how often I can see him. A bus from Singapore to KL is like 4, 5 hours? So staying there on budget, maybe once a month?
Its not going to be easy studying there. The competition is intense, I don’t know if I can keep up. I don’t know if im good enough. I don’t know if I can fit in. I can admit, im lazy. I like to play, I like to have a good time. I don’t know if I can handle four years there. Four years is a long time. I don’t know a lot of things.
I don’t know if I’ll end up regretting if I go, or end up regretting if I don’t go.
I don’t know what to do. Heck I don’t even know if I should be even doing engineering. Already im homesick thinking of leaving. I never planned to go. I never even gave it a second thought. But now….i don’t know…..i know my mother wants me to go…I know that I have been given an opportunity that many didn’t get. But I don’t know of I’ll be happy there. Or whether I’ll have to struggle through my term there.

I really don’t know if I can handle it.
And I still don’t know what to do.

7th June 2004 1531 - DUmb Blondes?

I have come to the conclusion that the longer youre on holiday, the more your brain shrinks. And i have my buddy Chai to thank for that. Chai, the studious, responsible, down to earth girl whom with i once used to cycle around the neighbourhood.

We were out in the open air. And it started to drizzle.
The first words out of her mouth :

"Oh no! Im not wearing waterproof mascara!"

Then she runs to the shade trying to cover - get this her EYELASHES

By the way, we were at a barbeque....

A thought...

With Broadband Out of Service, im now forced to write my blog in MS Word, the normal way, then upload everything when I next go online. *sigh*
Heres a thought :

You don't love someone they're beautiful.
They're beautiful because you love them.
Its true you don't know what you've been missing until it arrives
but its also very true that you don't know what you've got until its gone.

Sending rainbows to Bangi :)

I dont wanna grow up cos maybe if i did, I wouldnt be a Toy'sRUs Kid.. lalala

I wish I were 4 again. The age of blissful childhood, the age where everything was all nice and peachy. The age where I only had happy thoughts. And when I laughed, I really laughed.

I never wanted to grow up. The story of Peter Pan always intrigued me. And I always wanted to be a Wendy so I could fly away to Neverland and never grow up. So I would never have to worry. So I could laugh the childish laugh and think happy thoughts for the rest of my life. So I could open my arms wide and embrace life with the innocence and hope of a child, forever dreaming of the happy things to be. So I would never know what it was like to be lied to, to be bullied, to be stepped on and run over. I wouldn’t have to pay bills, to get a job, to hold responsibility. So I would never have to think the evil twisted thoughts of an adult.
But I wasn’t Wendy. And I never found Peter Pan, though God knows I tried.
So now I am the adult with the evil twisted mind.
I’m still looking for Peter Pan though….

Am I Supposed to Know??I dont know..I Cant Know everything...

I have changed. I don’t know when, I don’t know why and I don’t know how. In what way I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s a good thing, I don’t know if it’s a bad thing. I don’t know if its better not to care, not to bother. About what people think, about what people say.

I don’t know if its better to do things by myself, my own way, then to stick around with people im not really sure of anymore.

I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know if I want to spend the rest of my life the way I am.
I don’t know if I will change some more.
I don’t know if I want to.

Im twenty this year. There are still a lot of things I don’t know. And better yet, I don’t know if I even want to know.

Ignorance can be bliss at times.

To Err Is Human??

Its odd. How the more people care about each other, the easier it becomes to hurt one another. The way the smallest things matter so much. The way two people can fight over nothing at all. It’s ironic in a way.. how you can care so much for someone.. Yet the minute you feel threatened you strike where it does the most damage. You take a cheap shot. So if one hurts, the other does too. Doesn’t make you feel any better. But you do it anyway. You can say sorry.. But a thousand apologies doesn’t change what you said. Doesn’t make it hurt any less, doesn’t make it go away.

It kinda sucks.

Then in the aftermath of destruction, you sit on your ass and think : What the hell just happened? Why?

Then you sit a little longer and get confused as to how everything ended so messy. Therefore ending up with yet another sleepless night.

Its amazing actually, how nothing can become something, then become everything yet still end up as nothing. The mind is a strange thing. The human being is a strange thing. How you can bare your soul one minute, then jump around and bite the moment someone steps on your tail. How you can take a licking then go back for more. How little things can bug you so much. How your thoughts can run wild in the middle of the night. Or in the middle of the day. Or whenever.

I wish I could think straight.
I wish my mind and my thoughts didn’t run so wildly, zig zagging throught my head.
I wish that what I squish into the back of my head, what I neatly put into a little box could just stay there.
I wish my head could think faster then my heart.

So I could shut the hell up and not let anything bug me.

Its easier to forgive then to forget.

today would be the end of yet another really long day.. managed to do my shopping :) thnk i blew my budget though...i am so so broke...can see myself going to have to starve for th next couple of months...hope the recepients of my gifts will be happy with what i bought. went for a lil reunion dinner today..just the old gang...their boyfriends..and the pfs boys.. everything went well..been so long since the lil gang met up..guess everyone managed to put their differences behind each other....sat and talked.... you could say i had a good time after i got over the fact that jon just wasnt very happy dont know if hes still in the bad mood...makes it difficult sometimes...just dont know what to do seems like everything i do rubs him the wrong way when hes in those moods. wonder if hes just getting used to everything.... never sends me any mails. never even replies my mails. and he used to mail me all the time..same like he used to call me all the time sometimes i dont even know why i bother to mail him. there isnt even the slightest aknowledgement that he even recieves them.. i just dont know sometimes...guess hes a difficult person. sometimes i just dont know how to treat around him..how to accomadate to his moods. im scared that one day i might just get sick of trying then i dont know what to do jon is my whole world...guess hes the person i want to have a future with figure i would never had taken it so far with him if i didnt..he wouldnt affect me quite so much if i didnt.. it isnt easy growing up stpm results in two weeks time. i am so so scared...i feel so sure that whatever it is i could have done better i know that i screwed up. have a feeling its gonna take me a long long time to ever forget about those awfull papers. getting the lost feeling again.. dont want to sink into depression.

Its Friday Night! Its official...the drinks at sega belissa row are way stronger than at gurney..can feel it go right to my head :) heheh...happy feeling...im floating....been a long time since ive had alcohol in my system...missed the feeling.. does this mean im turning into an alcoholic??? nah...not possible.. went out today to do some shopping....was a rather hurried time though...guess i'll have to continue tomorrow...cant find anything i really like.. had dinner with vila and terri at Bourke Street Cafe , gurney tower..Pass...the place isnt half bad..had a pretty good time just talking and laughing...guess its been sometime since ive had a moment to catch up with them.. bumped into quite alot of people...looks like Chillout is the next happening place to be.. ahh...the good old days... anyway.. its See Muns birthday today..or technically yesterday. ...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! hard to imagine were already 20 this year still feels like ive accomplished nothing...im just not ready to grow up dont know if ill ever be ready... scary...at this age yet i still dont know what to do with my life another ONE WEEK still i get to see the love of my life... seems like eternity sometimes.. late to work today...haha couldnt get up :) tze lins on medical leave...apparently has pharyngitis(not sure if i spelled that right). so it was pretty quite at the office... guess we'll see how things go tomorrow...still on the quest for the perfect gift ...to the one far away ... i love you...night...