Reflecting.

Its that time of the year again. The last day of the year, the time we all sit and reflect and make resolutions for the coming year, in hope that the next year will be better that the year before.

We live, we learn. Another year gone by, another lifes lesson learnt.

I don't know how many resolutions I will make this year. I think I'll keep them minimal, and at best doable.

Its been a whirlwind year for me. I've done things I'd never imagine I would and/or could do. I've gone places I never imagined I would see. I lived, I laughed, I cried.

I got depressed, I got drunk, I got high.

I took some gambles, some paid off. Some, I learnt to live with. Others, I'm still trying to learn from. I packed up my bags and flew half way around the world and left everything I ever knew behind - A difficult decision to make, but nevertheless one I have never regretted taking.

I found friends I never thought I would find and kept those who mattered close to my heart. I learnt to depend less on others, and to take baby steps to do things for just for me. I learnt to stop saying sorry for mistakes that weren't mine and to not let people push me around (okay, at least not so much).

I learnt to have a little more patience, to be a little less competitive, to be a little more thankful.

Thank you for your faith in me. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your love. I could have never made it this far by myself.

This year, I'm keeping things simple. Im want to ..

- Appreciate what I have and remember to let it show
- Have faith that everything will work out somehow
- Have the strength to keep my chin up even in the face of adversities
- Let go a little and stop comparing
- To do, and not just try
- Have patience to wait for my turn to shine
- Eat less chocolate (haha)
- Get back into shape (this one comes up every year)
- Be happy, make others happy
- Worry a little less over things out of my control
- Grow a little more (Dont know how to do this one yet)
- Adopt a turtle (finally!)
- Make a difference (Have I made a difference in your life?)

Have wings, will fly.

I sit here quietly and wait for the breaking of a new year and wonder what will come this time around. I will make something out of it. I promise.

Compartmentalizing

Bad news from home (okay, well bad for me) in the middle of my shift.

Umm.. yeah. Well.

Shove it aside and get on with the day. Thats all I can do, no ?

That and eat a whole lot of chocolate.

Go back to my room and drown my sorrows in a hot hot shower.

Why is it that things crumble when Im not there to watch them ?

Make a bookmark.

Its my one month anniversary today.

One month on the rig. Big achievement for me, I'm proud of myself.

Growing and learning in small little baby steps, doing things I never though I would do.

Still so far to go before Im ready to fly solo.

But its a comfort to know Im not alone.

Banana Pancakes.

With ice cream or honey of nutella.

Thats what I want.
Thankfully, I'm removed from temptation. Its day 23 on the rig - no pancakes (unless I want to wake up at 6am) and no nutella.

Noone to feed me.

I suppose its a good thing. Still trying to shed the excess baggage from Paris. Apparently Im not doing a very good job though. Damn, this is like Australia all over again, only thing is that Im stuck on a rig so I cant exactly work out. I hate being chubby.

I was contemplating running up and down the stairs just to get a little bit of a work out but I think that constitutes as a saftety hazard. And its freaking cold outside which means I need to eat.

Arggh. I will grit my teeth and step on a scale later today. Hopefully I wont obsess about the number but Im pretty sure I will.

Damn, I just realised that all Ive been babbling about so far is being chubby. I have to stop obsessing.

Easier said than done, but whatever lah.

Anyway..... day 23 on the rig. I feel so gross, I have no tweezers so I cant groom my eyebrows. Oversharing, I know. Other than that, Im fine. Being the 1 out of 2 females out of the 100 or so people on this rig doenst bother me all that much. Having to share a toilet with 6 people is another story all together.

Not that its dirty but still ... its freakin annoying to have to go all the way up, change out og my boots and helmet and glasses and take off my jacket and BA set ...... go into the living quarters to my room desperatuly needing to pee ... and someones in the toilet.

Or you reach over to wipe your ass .... and .. no toilet paper -_-"

Ahhh well ... no complaints.
Damn, need to go to the toilet now. Toodles.

A lesson learnt

This stumbled across this note today. At just the right time, I suppose; I was starting to bitch about things. I'm putting it here as a small reminder to myself.

Gratitude

Be grateful to those who have hurt or harmed you,
for they have reinforced your determination

Be grateful to those who have deceived you,
for they have deepened your insight

Be grateful to those who have hit you,
for they have reduced your karmic obstacles

Be grateful to those who have abandoned you,
for they have taught you to be independent

Be grateful to those who have made you stumble,
for they have strengthened your ability

Be grateful to those who have denounced you,
for they have increased your wisdom and concentration.

Its hard to be grateful when you still feel sore; its easier to bitch, maybe it even feels better to bitch. Its hard to stand next to someone perfect.

Im trying to take comfort in the fact that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

.....

Still trying.

Grey Matter

Self titled. I am confused.

I generally live in randomness, just following the wind. I dont't like to think too much about how or when or why. Because this is what happens when I do - I get confused.

Within and without, I don't know what to do nor what I want. What I could want, what I should want, what I do want. What I have, what I haven't. Should have, could have.

It gets confusing. Too many things for my small little head. The more things swirl around the more fuzzy it gets - its harder and harder to grasp onto something concrete. I did math and physics because numbers and formulas make sense. I can daydream but I dont do abstract.

Am I being selfish? Am I making the right decisions, choosing the right path?
Do I get scared for the right reasons or am I just scared for the wrong ones.

Ahhh dammit. I need a Dr Phil.

Day by Day

Dammit. I had a post and it dissapeared. Again.

Hmm.
[ internal sensor, one paragraph deleted ]

I'm still here, on the rig. I'm glad I like the sea. Up on the deck, good weather, watching the sunset... Watching the seagulls spread their wings and just glide on the air currents. Man, I wish I could do that.

Just fly and be free. To go wherever ... whenever ... effortlessly. And to drop back into the water to float around.

Just follow the wind. Go where it takes you.

Am I starting to sound like a complete nutter yet?
I always wanted to fly. I tried the Alice in Wonderland way, the Mary Poppins way, the Peter Pan way. All failed me.

I was told that my wings are there, right behind me. . . And that I was meant to reach the skies.

Thank you for your faith in me.

Oh, I'm trying to figure out what animal I'd be if I was one. Any ideas?

Crawling

Twelve to twelve. Day shift. I am thankful its not night.

Tired.

Still on standby, meaning we just pretty much keep an eye on things at the moment. Run out for a bit when we need to. Otherwise, just sit in the cabin and keep out of the way.

Anyway, the seasoned people here came prepared - books and movies.

I have one miserable book I dragged from home all the way to Doha, to Paris, back to Doha and now to the rig. I think I've memorised it by now.

No movies, dont have enough space in my HD to put them in (damn i need a new one). Same goes for music. I only have whats in my sad sad 4Gb Ipod (damn, need to get a bigger one).

All I have is my measly Sudoku book.

Man, Im sleepy. Just a momentary break to do something useless before I fall asleep. Waiting for midnight, handover shift, grab a snack, take a hot shower and jump into bed.

Roughly one and a half more hours to go. Time always crawls when you need it to fly.

Naked.

I feel naked.

Yeah.

For the first time since I can remember Im not wearing any jewellery. At all.

No earrings. No necklace.

So bare !

Im on the rig. So far so good... its giving me a bit of a heacache though. Me and Farah are the only two girls in this whole place.

Cross fingers, hope this job will be a good one for me.

Have wings, will fly.

Thank you.

Jump

Hmmmm.
Its been a quiet day. As usual. I'm rambling in my head, but i cant put anything down on paper.

Or on the screen, if i want to be more precise. But who cares anyway.

Hmmm.....

Yeah ..

Haha. I just completed a sentance in my head.

Im heading off to the rig tomorrow. I wonder whats in store for me. I cant say I'm not apprehensive, it being my first time and all ... but yeah .. up for the challenge, its time to step up and fly. Can I do it ?

Only one way to find out. Take a deep breathe and jump :)
Even if you're falling .... you still fly, if only for a while.

Just a little bit more focused and it would have been perfect

Sometimes, the rush you get from jumping is worth facing the fear.

All at once

Its been a while.
More than two weeks, I would imagine. Not that I'm keeping count. But yeah .. its been a while.

So much has changed in so short a time. I've left Europe behind me, left behind two and a halfs months of dreaming and dropped back in reality to Doha with a hard, hard thud. Ouch.

Fly high, fall hard, but better than not flying at all, right?

Anyone wants to tell me my photography skills have improved?

We all have to get back to work some day. Nothing much to say at the moment .. Gathering my pics (which happen to be on the other lappie right now - sorry Terri, I know I still owe you one) to post of a little photojournal of my time there.

Words can't describe it. And I'm too lazy to write in detail, so pictures will have to suffice.

Oh well.. Back in Doha and unmotivated (same phone number, call me!!). Trying to pull together the nerve to step back into my boots and coveralls and back to the base. Its hard, having to start over; with noone to watch my back.

I will miss the other trainees dearly. And a little envious if truth be told that they got to end up in the same location together. But I will not whinge. I will count my blessings instead. I will not even say I will try not to whinge.

Someone told me that saying try is a sign of weakness.

I will keep my chin up. No fear. Time to fly solo. I don't think I'm ready but I have to jump anyway.

" All at once,
The world can overwhelm me
There's almost nothin' that you could tell me
That could ease my mind

Which way will you run
When it's always all around you
And the feelin' lost and found you again
A feelin' that we have no control
Around the sun
Some say
There's gonna be the new hell
Some say
It's still too early to tell
Some say

It really ain't no myth at all "

Jack Johnson

Empty

Its a rainy rainy Wednesday morning.

Im sitting here in semi darkness and im sleepy !

Or hungry. Maybe both. Its cold today.

I have recently rediscovered Michael Jackson (bored surfing youtube) and damn ! I just realised how wickedly awesome he is/was (?).

Whatever. Its a rainy Wednesday morning, Im sitting here cold in semi darkness and its depressing.

I need to get started on my packing soon. I hate packing. Makes everything seem so final. Time to pack up, uproot and transplant. To move on, go somewhere new. This nomadic life is hard to adjust to. As soon as you start getting comfortable its time to move on, yet again. Not a life to settle, to collect personal possesions and momentos. And I'm such a nester. Its hard.

Bah. Ignore me. Blame it on the rain.

Im hungry.

I was gonna post up pics since I havent updated for a while ... But I just realised that I cant do it from here; the network wont let me. Oh well.

Ummm .. Barack Obama won the election. I guess this year is indeed a time for change.

I wonder what other changes are to come. Two more months till the end 2008. Plenty of time for things to happen.

I miss you all.

Almost There

Just a little longer and i'll be a fully certified well test engineer.

Haha. Certified wor.

Then its time to move on. Feels strange, feels more than strange. Feels really strange.

Ah, whatever. Finished my TDA intensive today, just gotta complete my report (going to take me like forever, DAMN) and then I'm free. Well test interpretation, one more quiz and a project.

I've made it this far, through all the little mishaps (dammit, lappie is still in ITSupport) and I'm proud of how far I've come. Granted, I could have probably done better had I decided to stay in and study all the time, but I think i struck a good balance between fun and work. Or maybe not so much balance (more fun than work) but its works for me. Different priorities, So all is good.

I will miss this. I will miss you all.

We have 1.825kgs of Nutella.. If it doesnt finish by the time I have to leave Im taking it with me.

Review, Rewind

I just realised that my blogspot dates all the way back to 2004.

Damn, I didnt realise how much I had to say . . . or how much time has passed since then.
Blink blink. Another year has gone.

Reading back on a few random posts, so many things that happened and i forgot about.
Brings back old memories. Some that I'd rather not think about. So much happened, so much changed.

Do I miss it? I dont know.

No regrets, whatever it is. Keep pushing on.

I'm going to be uprooted again in 2 weeks time. Not looking forward to it. Its so hard to keep on moving. . . . Its so hard to look forward and not forget reality back home at the same time. So many responsibilities that I wish I didnt have to think about.

My next intensive is in a weeks time. Im not prepared. I dont feel prepared.
When I compare myself to others I always feel like im lacking. Like I'm lagging behind and that I should be doing better.

Why the feelings of inadequecy? I dont know; I wish I did . . It really sucks, to always feel like you need to be better. . .

Maybe I can blame my growing up for everything, har har

I missed a couple of birthdays this month, IM SORRY!!!!

I'll make it up to you girls, okay ?

Dreaming

Its Sunday night.

Just finished dinner - seafood nite ! (pan fried salmon, deep fried calamari, fresh tomatoes and stir fried veggies) and desert (banana toffee pie- okay, this was bought and not made) and I'm sitting here in my living/dining room at my lappie, hesitant to continue working on my report.

I've been here over 40 days already. I know because I set my camera to holiday mode the day I arrived.

I'll be here for a little over 3 weeks more. And I'm going to miss it so much.

I like my routine, I have come to value and enjoy so much the company of the people around me. People like me who have been plucked out of their comfort zones, away from everything familiar and sent here with me. To be my classmates.

I enjoy my after school snack with my housemate - usually Tuc while we are cooking dinner .. walking to the bus in the freezing cold ... taking walks down to the duckpond, going for Sunday morning runs... having dinner together .. Walking to the shopping centre, bitching about the fact that we have to walk to the shopping centre. . . . So many small things, so many things I will miss.

It feels more like a family here then it does back home, as strange as it seems.

Two completely different worlds. And every now and then an email from home kinda jolts you back to reality.

I wish I could keep dreaming, I dont want to wake up.

This is Crap

I've lost the last couple of my blog entries that I painstakingly wrote while I was here at ELC.

The stolen minutes where i penned (or typed) a few sentances during the little coffee breaks I have. All the time wasted for the freakin photos to upload. And then when I click save as draft, my draft dissappears.

Crap.

Anyhoow.. . too lazy to repost all those random thoughts. Put it in a bubble and let it blow away. Bah.

Busy busy for the past few days.

Todays work down the drain:

I hate being dependent on a electronic equipment.

I want to eat a cinnamon roll

I just read the papers. Or sort of read the papers (theStar online mah!)

Someone was killed today. Stabbed to death just for a handbag. In the sleepy, stinky little town i spent 4 years in at USM. Thirty minutes away across the bridge from my home.

Its just a small town, more village like than a city. Its quiet, shops close early and theres no entertainement. I thought crime only happens in big cities, i guess i was wrong.

Now Penang's CM is urging the Federal Government to speed up the installations of CCTV in Penang. Speed up wor. I think they've been trying to install em for at least a year . . .

Welcome to Malaysia.

Why is it that something has to happen first before action is taken? The bus crashes, the mat rempit cases, the snatch theft, break ins, rape cases, abuse cases . . .

Only when a major catastrophe occurs and it ends up in the papers does big shot up there decide to step in, offer condolence and come up with some kind of ops but always tak jadi.

Cis.

Bah. Whatever. Todays pretty picture:

Along the Seine, walking towards Notre Dame on Saturday night.

Week 3

Crap. I just lost one whole page.

Now im too lazy to repost the pics. SOrry !

Got a call from Yu Ming today (thanks ! ! ) Really, really miss you girls !

She said i sound sad. Do I sound sad? Am I sad? I dont know .. Its been a busy busy few weeks, and not know when i get to go home is kind of hard to deal with . . cos theres no specific date I can look forward to.

BUT despite that Im gradually losing my voice and its freakin cold, I think Im doing okay

Missing.

Have you seen my dog?

I lost him somewhere between transit of hotels. I cant find him anywhere and the hotel doesnt have him.

I am so upset.

Rex has been my buddy and constant companion for the past 20+ years. Ever since I before I can remember, and I cant find him. I know its dumb to be so attached to a ratty stuffed animal but I cant help it. Im a nester, I nest. I put down roots, and he was my anchor. And now I cant find him its all crumbling apart, Im starting to miss everything.

Dont tell me its time to grow up or to just buy something new; it doesnt work like that. And if you know me well enough you'd KNOW how much that stinky dog means to me.

Call me childish, I dont care. I lost my comfort item. I lost my anchor, I lost my constant. A stuffed animal has been keeping me sane through my journies across Malaysia, Europe, Doha, Sydney, Thailand . . I am so weak.

What do I hold on to now?

Psycho

Its all quiet here in the classroom

We've got a break, and all is silent except for the tap tap tapping of fingers flying across the keyboard. Everyone is either on MSN, YM or something else.

So quiet! It unnerves me. Im not used to it. Even my old Motorola office was never this quiet. Or the sound of typing was just never this obvious.

Oh man, i hate having nothing to do.

The idleness stresses me out.

I checked the weather today, its 10degrees this morning! Freezing! I really wish I had bought those boots at Zara in Doha.

Todays pic:

Notre Dame church at night.

I need to go in and ask for blessings.