Tissue Paper

Up and down, round and round.

My thoughts are as about as predictable as my mood swings. Dammit.

Sudden bout of homesickness, brought on by lack of sleep and too much stress.

I miss you all, I want to go home.

I don't like being responsible, and I think I've never worked so hard ever.

Damn. I have issues.

Clarity

"By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When I won't and it won't cause it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to"

Right or wrong decisions, noone knows. Its hard to tell.

And maybe you cant really categorise a decision as right or wrong; it just is. And you deal with what comes later.

If the right decision is the harder one to make, is it really right? Or is it all just in our (or in this case, my) head?

Looking for direction, still not finding any. Its so hard to let go; so hard to leave a safety net.

Like a hamster on a running wheel.

I have a box. I have many boxes, in fact.

Boxes where I store my thoughts, where I shove away everything I cant deal with so I can happily go on in denial.

Im running out of space. Trying to continue to cram stuff into overflowing boxes means inevitably some stuff spills over.

Denial unravels and it gets harder and harder to make it through the day; it gets harder and harder to cope.

So what do you do ?

Sometimes the most obvious decisions are the hardest to make. The most obvious things are the hardest to do. Living in denial is a much easier (albeit alot less healthier, maybe?) way to push on.

What do you hold on to when there is nothing left?

I tell you, I'm a sucker for pain.

I keep moving, but I can't tell if Im moving foward, backward, or Im at a standstill.

It was long then it was short.

I used to think that I was youthfull (har har)
Young at heart, at least.

Im not so sure anymore. Slowly morphing into a cynical bitch; in 20 years time if Im not careful i'll be the psycho lady with cats.

I've been away from home for far too long. I havent talked to my mum since CNY.

Its been a difficult week. And lack of sleep makes me grumpy.

When shit hits the fan you cant escape. Nowhere to run, it just splatters everywhere.

Anyway. I didnt realise it was Friday the 13th till later in the day, so it isnt self fulfilling prophecy.

:( I need my safe place. I just need to go home.

Let loose

I miss the music.

I miss listening to music, dancing to it.
I miss the stupid morning radio programs that used to keep my company while I made my lonely drive back and forth between my home/uni/work.

Still listening to the same old stuff.

Like a good friend. Good music is good music. Even if its old. Even if you havent changed it in years.

Still good. Still fits.

Mumble mumble

random notes i should have put in my facebook but i never did
i.e.

I dont mumble ! I just speak a little soft
Never say my 't's at the end of a sentance properly
apparently turn pink when i get pissed off and start ranting
yadda yadda yadda

I had many things to say, but now its too cold, I drank too much tea and i desperately desperately need to pee.

And I know as soon as i leave my lappie someone is gonna reach over and take the LAN cable out so I holding it in till I finish off what I need to do.

Hmm Hmmm..

Quiet shift - everything on hold for now. I guess it tends to happen when someone gets a massive stroke/heart attack/embolism (just speculation) and expires.

I cant believe it took 6 hours for a chopper to get here.

I cant imagine what it must be like for those who worked with him, four and a half years, everyday ...

They had to watch him go, they couldnt do anything and they cant even say goodbye.

Something fishy

Okay.

Well you know when some long lost havent spoken to since graduation and barely spoke to during uni anyway classmate sends you a message, either

a) he's making an effort to keep in touch or
b) he wants something

You know when the messages starts with, Hi how are you and progresses to I heard you;re working somewhere somewhere, either

a) he really wants to get know or
b) he wants something

When you the message starts going .... " so, how much do you get paid " or something along those lines, you KNOW he wants something. Even more so when you get asked .. " any openings in your office "

-_-"

Normally, I dont mind. But some people just rub me the wrong way.

Colourblind

I noticed that the past couple of times I had the urge to scribble it was mainly to bitch.

I had the urge just to vent (pressure relief, har har)

Another day come and gone. All the days kinda blurred together, I cant tell one day from the other.

But its good though. I woke up this morning feeling okay - if you dont count the initial just woke up pre coffee period. I had a couple of conversations in my head few days back, realised I still have no conclusion, made a couple of calls back to the mother ship and all is good.

An epiphany - Im happy here. Happier here than I was in uni. I miss my friends, I miss the times I had with my friends - the dinners, the wild nights out, quiet nights in, shopping, coffee, gym, the beach, Paku nites, simple joys of midnight mamak.. I miss my pets, miss my simple routines ...

.. but I dont miss being in uni. I dont miss the cold showers, the crappy lecturers, the stress and feelings of inadequecy. Dont miss having to conform to some ridiculous idea of good behaviour, don't have to sweep up handed down crap, don't have to be caught in a crossfire.

Nas says thats probably why i ahem .. filled out. Cos Im happier here. Maybe I am. Its strange - I had to travel so far away to find myself.

But then again maybe I just flew so far away to make a clean break. Restart, reinvent. Ostrich-like, I know I have issues.

Am I different ? Different but the same. Its still me.

Im confusing myself again. But for now, I am content.

Overcast

The last time I had the urge to scribble something down here it was day 55 on the rig.

Now Im back on another rig, albeit a slightly smaller one.

And I'm scribbling. Fine. Typing.

For the past day or so I've been going back and forth between the colours orange (not pink) and grey .. or blue. Maybe the end result is just a grey mess.

Not sure what triggered it, not quite sure what happened in between the orange days and the grey days, maybe its just been too long since my last everything.

Maybe not enough sleep, maybe too much free time, maybe im just having wild mood swings, blame it on hormones.

Ugh. Feeling a little homesick. I need some love.

Day 55 Save Me

Okay. Im still here. Still alive. Barely. Surviving, I supposed not living. Yeah, Im extra grumpy today. Since i passed the 40 day mark ive had good days and bad days. Today happens to be a bad day. Its the first day I've felt teary since I've arrived. Oh man, Ive been deprived of my lotions and potions, deprived of good meals, deprived of entertainment and a good bottle of wine, deprived of company, deprived of human contact and connection. Deprived of a wild night out with the girls when all we do is giggle. Yes, Im bitching today. Everyone is entitled to bitch a little. I guess Im just missing my life. And I miss my legs. Ugh. Depressed. Will attempt to go running tomorrow. I need a holiday.

Day 51

Okay. I've been feeling a little edgy/pissy/fidgity/bitchy of late.

Easily irritated and running low on patience. Im not sure if Im pms-ing or its the early mornings that are getting to me. Or just the fact that I never have a moment to myself anymore.

Grr. Maybe I've been here too long.

Whatever.

The first thing Im gonna do when I get back on land is to go get my money and do some serious shopping.

Im in dire need of a haircut (maybe some treatment), a facial, a mani/pedi, a trip down to Strip and a nice afternoon at Danai spa. All of which I am not going to get till I go home.

So. I might as well go out and shop. Get some proper shampoo and conditioner. Get my moisturizer and scrub and loofah. Basically just to go out and come back so I can pamper myself and feel luxurious all over again.

Maybe something to wear. And something decent to eat.

Necessary supplies.

So many things, so little time.

I miss normal.

2 months back

Okay. I finally finally managed to watch the Devil wears Prada.

Yeah yeah, I know Im like super outdated, but I did read the book though.

Anyhoo.. There was a setting in Paris. And I suddenly recognized the familiar sights.. The eiffel, the arc, champs elysee .. notre dame and st michelle .. the bridges .. the seine

Damn, so many memories. And I missed it.Just for a teeny tiny moment, I felt sad ...Sad that such a good time passed and now I really actually have to work.

Ah well. Thats what memories are for, I guess. To look back and recall fondly upon.

I do wish I could go back though, if only just for a while.

Times like these

"In times like these
In times like those
What will be will be
And so it goes
And it always goes on and on...
On and on it goes

And there has always been laughing, crying, birth, and dying
Boys and girls with hearts that take and give and break
And heal and grow and recreate and raise and nurture
But then hurt from time to time like these
And times like those
And what will be will be
And so it goes

And there will always be stop and go and fast and slow
Action,Reaction, sticks and stones and broken bones
Those for peace and those for war
And god bless these ones, not those ones
But these ones made times like these
And times like those
What will be will be
And so it goes
And it always goes on and on...
On and on it goes

But somehow I know it won't be the same
Somehow I know it will never be the same."

Taking one day at a time, one step after another.

Its easier to keep moving that way.
But sometimes its just not enough.

I'm finding it harder than I thought to juggle; to keep things simple.
I guess there is no simple answer, I wish there was. How do I move forward without leaving everything behind ?

I thought I had everything figured out, somewhere along the way black and white meshed into grey.

2008 has been a journey, to say the least.
Did I lose myself along the way ?

Reflecting.

Its that time of the year again. The last day of the year, the time we all sit and reflect and make resolutions for the coming year, in hope that the next year will be better that the year before.

We live, we learn. Another year gone by, another lifes lesson learnt.

I don't know how many resolutions I will make this year. I think I'll keep them minimal, and at best doable.

Its been a whirlwind year for me. I've done things I'd never imagine I would and/or could do. I've gone places I never imagined I would see. I lived, I laughed, I cried.

I got depressed, I got drunk, I got high.

I took some gambles, some paid off. Some, I learnt to live with. Others, I'm still trying to learn from. I packed up my bags and flew half way around the world and left everything I ever knew behind - A difficult decision to make, but nevertheless one I have never regretted taking.

I found friends I never thought I would find and kept those who mattered close to my heart. I learnt to depend less on others, and to take baby steps to do things for just for me. I learnt to stop saying sorry for mistakes that weren't mine and to not let people push me around (okay, at least not so much).

I learnt to have a little more patience, to be a little less competitive, to be a little more thankful.

Thank you for your faith in me. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your love. I could have never made it this far by myself.

This year, I'm keeping things simple. Im want to ..

- Appreciate what I have and remember to let it show
- Have faith that everything will work out somehow
- Have the strength to keep my chin up even in the face of adversities
- Let go a little and stop comparing
- To do, and not just try
- Have patience to wait for my turn to shine
- Eat less chocolate (haha)
- Get back into shape (this one comes up every year)
- Be happy, make others happy
- Worry a little less over things out of my control
- Grow a little more (Dont know how to do this one yet)
- Adopt a turtle (finally!)
- Make a difference (Have I made a difference in your life?)

Have wings, will fly.

I sit here quietly and wait for the breaking of a new year and wonder what will come this time around. I will make something out of it. I promise.

Compartmentalizing

Bad news from home (okay, well bad for me) in the middle of my shift.

Umm.. yeah. Well.

Shove it aside and get on with the day. Thats all I can do, no ?

That and eat a whole lot of chocolate.

Go back to my room and drown my sorrows in a hot hot shower.

Why is it that things crumble when Im not there to watch them ?

Make a bookmark.

Its my one month anniversary today.

One month on the rig. Big achievement for me, I'm proud of myself.

Growing and learning in small little baby steps, doing things I never though I would do.

Still so far to go before Im ready to fly solo.

But its a comfort to know Im not alone.

Banana Pancakes.

With ice cream or honey of nutella.

Thats what I want.
Thankfully, I'm removed from temptation. Its day 23 on the rig - no pancakes (unless I want to wake up at 6am) and no nutella.

Noone to feed me.

I suppose its a good thing. Still trying to shed the excess baggage from Paris. Apparently Im not doing a very good job though. Damn, this is like Australia all over again, only thing is that Im stuck on a rig so I cant exactly work out. I hate being chubby.

I was contemplating running up and down the stairs just to get a little bit of a work out but I think that constitutes as a saftety hazard. And its freaking cold outside which means I need to eat.

Arggh. I will grit my teeth and step on a scale later today. Hopefully I wont obsess about the number but Im pretty sure I will.

Damn, I just realised that all Ive been babbling about so far is being chubby. I have to stop obsessing.

Easier said than done, but whatever lah.

Anyway..... day 23 on the rig. I feel so gross, I have no tweezers so I cant groom my eyebrows. Oversharing, I know. Other than that, Im fine. Being the 1 out of 2 females out of the 100 or so people on this rig doenst bother me all that much. Having to share a toilet with 6 people is another story all together.

Not that its dirty but still ... its freakin annoying to have to go all the way up, change out og my boots and helmet and glasses and take off my jacket and BA set ...... go into the living quarters to my room desperatuly needing to pee ... and someones in the toilet.

Or you reach over to wipe your ass .... and .. no toilet paper -_-"

Ahhh well ... no complaints.
Damn, need to go to the toilet now. Toodles.

A lesson learnt

This stumbled across this note today. At just the right time, I suppose; I was starting to bitch about things. I'm putting it here as a small reminder to myself.

Gratitude

Be grateful to those who have hurt or harmed you,
for they have reinforced your determination

Be grateful to those who have deceived you,
for they have deepened your insight

Be grateful to those who have hit you,
for they have reduced your karmic obstacles

Be grateful to those who have abandoned you,
for they have taught you to be independent

Be grateful to those who have made you stumble,
for they have strengthened your ability

Be grateful to those who have denounced you,
for they have increased your wisdom and concentration.

Its hard to be grateful when you still feel sore; its easier to bitch, maybe it even feels better to bitch. Its hard to stand next to someone perfect.

Im trying to take comfort in the fact that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

.....

Still trying.

Grey Matter

Self titled. I am confused.

I generally live in randomness, just following the wind. I dont't like to think too much about how or when or why. Because this is what happens when I do - I get confused.

Within and without, I don't know what to do nor what I want. What I could want, what I should want, what I do want. What I have, what I haven't. Should have, could have.

It gets confusing. Too many things for my small little head. The more things swirl around the more fuzzy it gets - its harder and harder to grasp onto something concrete. I did math and physics because numbers and formulas make sense. I can daydream but I dont do abstract.

Am I being selfish? Am I making the right decisions, choosing the right path?
Do I get scared for the right reasons or am I just scared for the wrong ones.

Ahhh dammit. I need a Dr Phil.

Day by Day

Dammit. I had a post and it dissapeared. Again.

Hmm.
[ internal sensor, one paragraph deleted ]

I'm still here, on the rig. I'm glad I like the sea. Up on the deck, good weather, watching the sunset... Watching the seagulls spread their wings and just glide on the air currents. Man, I wish I could do that.

Just fly and be free. To go wherever ... whenever ... effortlessly. And to drop back into the water to float around.

Just follow the wind. Go where it takes you.

Am I starting to sound like a complete nutter yet?
I always wanted to fly. I tried the Alice in Wonderland way, the Mary Poppins way, the Peter Pan way. All failed me.

I was told that my wings are there, right behind me. . . And that I was meant to reach the skies.

Thank you for your faith in me.

Oh, I'm trying to figure out what animal I'd be if I was one. Any ideas?