I don't know..

.. where I am
.. or what I am doing here.
.. where I am suppose to be going
.. where I want to go
.. what I am looking for
.. where I can find it.

.. how to get there
.. how I will know.

.. how to go back
.. how to make it go away

Wait.

I'm not ready yet.
Things can't change. I'm not prepared. I'm not strong enough. I can't do this by myself.
I need you.
I wish I could do something to make it better.
Maybe this is all part of growing up. But I'm not ready for that either.
What if I'm never ready ?

Circles

I stare blankly at this page, watching the cursor blink.

So many thoughts, yet nothing to say. What am I scared of ? No one knows me here, it is so easy to hide. Yet I am still scared. I still pretend. For who?

Who knows.

For myself, maybe ?

Who am I lying to ?

God I don't know.

It is hard.

Looking for my reset button. Where is the damn button.

One step after another

I

am looking

for something

to fill the void within me

to take the edge off my hunger.

Looking for something to calm me.

No amount of ice cream or bread or biscuits can make it go away.

And it doesn't fade with time.

Still searching.

Not finding.

Back. Yeah.

Okay its been one and a half months.

I spent the first 3 to 4 days in the office post vcataion being depressed.

Im still in the office, and Im still unmotivated.

Pfft.

It all comes down to

You're not giving me what I need.

I crave junk food.

Today I will be contemplative and neither bitch nor whinge.

I went up to my usual spot at the port side burner today; then further up to the top deck.
Its a good place to just be. If you block everything out, it seems likes it just you and the sea. Thats it. And I spent the morning looking at the vast nothingness.

And looking for fish.

On most days now, the weather isnt good enough, the sun doenst shine bright enough to reflect the light off the ocean and turn it all into the greeny blue aquamarine, clear enough to see at least a few feet down into and watch for fishies.

Now its misty, the surface or the sea is more a dull, dark blue green. And I cant see the fish. Maybe theyre still there, but try as I might, I cant see the schools of them like i sometimes do.

If I stare hard enough, I see the ocassional jellyfish - semi transclucents blobs just bobbing on the surface, riding the currents and sometimes I see the seasnakes. If Im really lucky I see the occasional glint of light reflecting of something down there .. But I cant tell what it is. Maybe its a fish, maybe a sting ray ... I can't tell .. I just know that theres something down there.

It drives me nuts, not knowing what it is.

I dont like not knowing. And I guess looking back, all the spontaneous acts were maybe not so much spontaneous cos I knew they were safe. More or less. I dont like not knowing where Im going, what will happen; I dont like the big grey fuzzy mist ahead.

Calculated spontaniety. Theres an oxymoron if you ever saw one.

Tissue Paper

Up and down, round and round.

My thoughts are as about as predictable as my mood swings. Dammit.

Sudden bout of homesickness, brought on by lack of sleep and too much stress.

I miss you all, I want to go home.

I don't like being responsible, and I think I've never worked so hard ever.

Damn. I have issues.

Clarity

"By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When I won't and it won't cause it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to"

Right or wrong decisions, noone knows. Its hard to tell.

And maybe you cant really categorise a decision as right or wrong; it just is. And you deal with what comes later.

If the right decision is the harder one to make, is it really right? Or is it all just in our (or in this case, my) head?

Looking for direction, still not finding any. Its so hard to let go; so hard to leave a safety net.

Like a hamster on a running wheel.

I have a box. I have many boxes, in fact.

Boxes where I store my thoughts, where I shove away everything I cant deal with so I can happily go on in denial.

Im running out of space. Trying to continue to cram stuff into overflowing boxes means inevitably some stuff spills over.

Denial unravels and it gets harder and harder to make it through the day; it gets harder and harder to cope.

So what do you do ?

Sometimes the most obvious decisions are the hardest to make. The most obvious things are the hardest to do. Living in denial is a much easier (albeit alot less healthier, maybe?) way to push on.

What do you hold on to when there is nothing left?

I tell you, I'm a sucker for pain.

I keep moving, but I can't tell if Im moving foward, backward, or Im at a standstill.

It was long then it was short.

I used to think that I was youthfull (har har)
Young at heart, at least.

Im not so sure anymore. Slowly morphing into a cynical bitch; in 20 years time if Im not careful i'll be the psycho lady with cats.

I've been away from home for far too long. I havent talked to my mum since CNY.

Its been a difficult week. And lack of sleep makes me grumpy.

When shit hits the fan you cant escape. Nowhere to run, it just splatters everywhere.

Anyway. I didnt realise it was Friday the 13th till later in the day, so it isnt self fulfilling prophecy.

:( I need my safe place. I just need to go home.