Todays Lesson

I learnt something new today : Its okay to want to sit at home in my jammies with a fluffy pillow and a pile of movies. It okay to NOT want to go out, its okay to want to wallow in my own little coccoon and do ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING.

Arent i a smart girl ..

Terri is pissed at me. She aint talking to me, wont even look at me (i had other people tell me this). And guess what - Im past the point of caring. Im tired of all this.

HATE

You ever had the feeling of utter self hate? The feeling where you could repeatedly shoot yourself, wondering how on earth you could have done something so damn stupid? The times when you just sit there and wonder why you let something happen, why you didnt do anything about it. The feeling where you hate what you are, what you did, what you didnt do.

I vividly remember that feeling. Back in sisxth form when i screwed up. Back in secondary school where i let myself fall into a trap. Back to primary six where i let myself be blamed for something i didnt do. Primary three where i did/said something i wished so much i didnt (i can still remember the exact place, time, everything). Seven years old, i got bit by a dog. Heck im gonna stop thinking now, or i'll go all the way till i was three and in the process turn srtak raving mad.

The thoughts dont come often though.
Maybe once in a while, where it hits me at the oddest times. And not all thoughts at on go. Mostly the relevant things. Or the more recent ones. But not always. It hits me when im driving. When im studying. When im taking a bath. When im doing absolutely nothing. It hits me hard, makes me lose focus from what im doing, makes my mind go somewhere i really dont want to go. I hate this feeling.

But for the better part, i have everything neatly put in little boxes and stored away in the darkest, most unreachable recesses of my mind so i dont have to think about it. Dont have to be haunted by it. And if i try hard enough, maybe i can forget. But i cant. It always comes back. In hindsight though, maybe it isant such a good thing to stuff everything away and not think. But i dont know what else to do (hey its not like i can change the past). Push everything away, forget and get on with life. Till the shit thoughts come back again. And i dont know what to do.

And i sit there, and think of all the things i did wrong and all the things i should have done, should have said. I imagine out more ideal ending to everything, then i sit an feel like a complete failure once again. Do i really let myself get pused around that easily? Am i just lying to myself when i think i can handle myself? What am i supposed to do? How can i keep everybody happy?
I could so easily push to the back of my head all the shit that happened barely six months ago. How much more have i managed to forget? Am i Being a total complete fool? Am i that useless? Am i that weak? Should i have said that, done that, thought that? Am i not as in control as i thought i was?

I had forgetten about the past. But it always comes back to haunt me, engulfing me in waves of shame and guilt. I forget too easilt. Truat too easily. Forgive too easily. Hurt too easily.

I wish i wasnt me.

*sigh*

I wonder..whether its worse to be pushed around and not know it, or to be pushed around and know it but deal with it, or to be a loner and therefore not get pushed around at all..

I think i sort of end up in the second category but only when it comes to *ahem* certain people. I end up just tagging along and following cos it the easiest way out. Spares me the headache of having to to the whole quarrel-apolgize thing though i must admit my tolerance level is getting low and i do a lot less of saying sorry. It saves me the hassle of trying to concoct a believable story so that the full blown wrath of an over-possesive friend will not end up directed at me, nor anyone else i know. Im not being mean or anything, but hasnt anyone of you ever done anything like that?? Better to say i'm out with my mom then to say i'm going out for a movie with someone you know but its not with you. But it is incredibly stressful. Having to juggle time, having to think about what i do, where i go, what i eat bla bla bla... And it sucks having to drag yourself out when i dont want to go. It sucks i cant even really talk to my own boy when she's around. It sucks then none of us 'attached poeople' can even talk about our other half without getting black stares. (Trust me, we've all gone through the same situation} It sucks that i sometimes cant do things by my own bloody self. And it hard, that the closer you are to her, the clingier she gets. The whole friends forever thing. The whole resistance to change.

So i sit and wonder to myself : Why do i let it happen? Heck why do we ALL let it happen? Because i know jolly well that its not just me that ends up in such tight corners. And i guess its cos, overlooking all that, she does have good qualities.(can i sense someone rolling his eyes?) She can be fun to hang out with, she has been around for me in certain situations, she cares..too much sometimes.... or is it all a figment of my imagination? Is this the give and take in each friendship or am i once again being a pushover? We all make excuses and tell each other 'she's just like that'. So do we continue to make excuses and tell ourselves she's difficult, tell ourselves its just a phase that will pass?? Do we tell ourselves it is because she has self esteem issues and do nothing about it?? Oh man.

I thought the whole point of being on holiday was to NOT think.
Come to think of it, i think i've deviated from what i started out to say...

Confused??

I was digging through the mountain of junk in my room when i came across this : 'A Handy Hint for ensuring success in finding the right job for yourself' which went something like this ...

Place yourseld in a room with only a table and two chairs. Stay there alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, think back and reflect on what you were doing

1. If you have taken the table apart in that time, put yourself in Engineering

2. If you are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign yourself to Finance

3. If you are screaming and waving your arms, send yourself to Manufacturing

4. If you are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for yourself.

5. If you are feeling sleepy, you are Management material

6. If you don't even look up when someone enters the roon, assign yourself to Security

7. If you try to tell yourself its not as bad as it looks, send yourself to Marketing

8. And if you've left early, put yourself in Sales

Im not too sure where i fit in... There doesnt seem to be a space for special people like me.. I'm doomed...

Till Death do Us Part

Here's a question : What is the point of marriage?
With so many couples cohabiting nowadays, really..why do people get married? I took this question out and asked a couple of guys... Its odd how men think.This is what i ended up with:

1)To have kids. (hello? Are your wives supposed to be baby making machines or something?)

2)To legalize sex - most people came up with this one (With the amount of couples having premarital sex i dont think its really that big an issue...but hey..if you like it legal..why not huh?)

3)I dont know.. (I guess i'll have to ask again in 4 years time)

5)So we're tied together and my wife cant run off (makes slightly more sense but it would sound better as 'to profess our love for each other' but oh well...chinese men...)

5)Because im supposed to (i feel a little sad for your wife .. )

6)So someone can take care of the house and clothes and food....someone to 'uruskan perkara rumahtangga' (now i feel really sad for your wife)

6)The sweetest one of all .. and the one that made the most sense : "I would marry her because i love her and i want to take care of her forever" (awww....girls, go look for Benny..

Musings...

Ive been blogging for quite some time now.. from my previous blog on tripod which i still update every now and then and this one.. still i have yet to let many people know exactly where on the WWW my little blogs are hiding. They know it exists.... but they dont know where. And its kinda stupid, come to think about it.. why have a blog and hide it all to yourself?

Which comes to why i sat down and thought about it. Then the little lightbulb came on and i think i have found the answer...

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of being judged. Im afraid of what people may think if they see what a mess i'm in. Im afraid people will think less of me, or judge me, my thoughts and my every move based on my ramblings in here. Im afraid what i say might cause conflict and make things even worse for me. So yea... basically im just a big pile of chickenshit.
I dont want to walk around paranoid, thinking that people are saying things behind my back (i do that already, thank you very much). I dont want to show anything less than perfection to anyone else. And if you read my thought... its pretty obvious i'm far from perfect.I HAVE TO BE PERFECT.I HAVE ISSUES. Which brings me to another point - WHY DO I PUSH MYSELF SO HARD? I have this sick need to be perfect. To show the world im perfect. That im in control of myself, my thoghts, what i do. That im happy, i have everything. The need to constantly work out, to lose or at least mantain my weight/shape/whatever. To be able to do fairly well in everything (if someone else can do it, so can i). To be able to live up to other peoples expectations (its bad enough i diasappoint myself, it feels worse to dissapoint others). Its a stressful way of seeing things. I think real hard each time i put somthing into my mouth. I stay up to complete my work because i have never felt i was up to date. I push myself because everyone else seems to understand while I BLOODY DONT.I CANT SEEM TO LET GO. Sometimes i really hate myself.

I still want to open a bakery.

Another day, another entry..

Jit Shiong is back. Yup..the tall dude with big feet and tight scout pants (it happens when the uniforms only come in a certain size).
We went for dinner today, he, terri and i. The usual lets-meet-up-after not seeing each-other-for-so-long kinda thing. Being the dude he is, im not surprised if there are i quote 'crazy girls' going after him. But he managed to capture the heart of get this a two year old girl!
We were havin dinner at Sem Ali (i had a craving for maggi goreng ayam tambah telur atas) when this tiny little girl (im guessing its the stalls owners kid) kinda sidled up to him and stared at him. Then came closer. And closer. And tried to climb onto his lap. (all the while she pretty much ignored terri and i) Then she stares adoringly into his face then runs off. And repeats the whole process again. And when it came time for us to leave (actually our dinner was cut short cos he was being overrun by kids) she clung onto his leg and literally just hung there. It was the funniest thing, watching this big tall guy try to figure out how to prise a small chubby girl of his leg, and keep her from running after him. This is what you call a girl magnet.
I'm glad he's back though.. That makes it three now. And Vila and Jooi Hong will be back come 23rd this month. I havent seen her in ages... Its been five days since i came back. And so far the days have been pretty much filled up with meals (oh man im getting FAT), movies and gym (Thanks to Michelle for feeding me:)). And im looking forward to meeting up with everyone else after so long, Yi Wenn especially...okay....im babbling again....oh well...babble away....

Please Help me..

Please help me.
Please stop smoking. At least try to cut down. TRY. Noone can make if you if you dont want to but i really hope you will. You've promised me countless times. Yet i still cant do anything. Of the things i dont like you to do, this is the one that curently concerns me the most.
Please take care of yourself. You're not invincible, you cant handle everything. Accidents happen. No matter how safe you think you may drive. Or how logical your thoughts may be.
Please get enough sleep. At relatively normal hours. Catnapping does not make up for the sleep you lose. You know that as well as i. It damages you. Not just now but permanently.
Just listen to me, dont argue over this. I dont want to fight. It doenst hurt just you when you do these things. It hurts me too..

I love you too much..please..will you help me?

It is Alive!!!!!!

FINALLY!!
The GOddess has returned!!
Yup..the semester is over, My finals are done for (literally) and im back. But i refuse tho think about those papers and ruin my holidays. I AM FREE!!. Back where there is good food. Back to where people speak english. Back to where people generally know what im talking about. Back to having my own room. And hot water. Back to havin internet access. Back to a place where i somehow belong. And i dont get that empty feelin anymore. Back to where i can sleep and wake whatever time i like..
ahhhh... pure bliss...Maybe now my eye bags will dissapear.. And i can get rid of that horrible stressful feelings that have accumulated during the past month or so.
Now theres only one thing im missing.. missing so so much. Like a little ache that never goes away.. Im not complete yet. Truthfully speaking though, it hasnt been all that bad. A person can get used to anything.... and finally, im getting used to it.. :) Yes, i do have bouts of depression every now and then (sorry baby). Especially with finals coming up.. and i get that feeling that i'll never be good enough. That i'll never live up to expectations. That i'll be a failure. But hey!Im mostly quite okay...really... Now....should i get myself a little critter to keep myself company for next sem??? Hmmmmm...

News Flash : Terri has coloured her hair red. I've had a thought. Im literally the only girl with purely virgin hair.
Note : Love you baby..think of Langkawi..

Well, this babe is outta here ... its time to keep myself busy.
Muaks!

A recent Update
A BITCH - 16th OCT 2004 0203

Why do i get this feeling that i always take back seat to everything? That you're too busy, that i have to be squeezed in amongst the many things you have to do seem to precede over me? Only call on your time. When you're free. And for some reason i'm always free. If i go out, i try to be available for your call. I try to make as much time as possible for you. You want to call me in the middle of the night, it doesnt matter. I get this feeling that i always end up sitting and waiting. Like its been so long you've become familiar with the whole routine.
It still matters. I still need attention. I still need to feel special. That im loved. That i matter.
I CANT BLOODY HELP IT.
ITS THE DAMN DISTANCE.

A Sleepless Night - 21st Sept 2004 0229

Oh God.
Heres something i never thought i'd come across stayin on campus - my roomie SNORES And i dont mean little small cute snores. Its loud and clear. So loud its kept me up for the past couple of hours. And i have an eight o clock morning class.. Seriously wondering if i should go over and poke her sides so she'd turn over .... Im a light sleeper.. And if she dont stop anytime soon, i aint getting much sleep tonight...
Oh hell.....